Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.

Charlie

No kidding.

Jake

Where are we, anyway?

Charlie

It's called Watts.

Charlie

So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.

Jake

I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Alan

The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.

Charlie

For a silly drawing?

Alan

It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Charlie

Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.

Alan

You actually did that? That's horrible!

Charlie

No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Alan

Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

Alan

I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.

Charlie

OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.

Charlie

So this is where you come every day, huh?

Alan

Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?

Charlie

I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.

Alan

OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

Charlie

So right off the bat, I lie?

Alan

I am a doctor, Charlie.

Charlie

Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.

Charlie

You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

Alan

In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.

Charlie

Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Evelyn

Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Alan

Uh...

Evelyn

I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

Alan

You had other options?

Evelyn

Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

Charlie

And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Alan

Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.

Charlie

No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Alan

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.

Charlie

Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Charlie

I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.

Jake

Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?

Charlie

Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?

Jake

I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

Charlie

Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?

Evelyn

Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

Charlie

This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.

Evelyn

So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?

Charlie

OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!

Evelyn

What do we call it, darling?

Charlie

We don't call it anything!

Evelyn

Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".

Charlie

I may never have sex again.

Evelyn

Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?

Alan

It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?

Jake

I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.

Charlie

Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.

Jake

Anybody want to lick the beater?

No.

Alan

Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?

Charlie

So she's a little kinky!

Alan

No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.

Charlie

Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.

Isabella

Did you really think that you could just end this?

Charlie

I was kinda hoping.

Isabella

Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?

Charlie

[to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Charlie

Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?

Isabella

Your crops will wither in the field.

Charlie

Yeah, okay.

Isabella

Your cattle will sicken and die.

Charlie

[not impressed] Aha.

Isabella

Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.

Charlie

I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!

Rose

OK, now it's time for party games.

Charlie

I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".