Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.

Rose

Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.

Alan

Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?

Charlie

Certainly not Rose.

Alan

Where are you going?

Evelyn

Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie

Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn

Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]

Charlie

How will that be any different than this?

Alan

You're hitting on the widow!

Charlie

No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.

Alan

Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!

Charlie

Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.

Alan

Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?

Charlie

Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Alan

That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn

Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan

So?

Evelyn

So she had to see it coming!

Charlie

Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan

Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

Evelyn

And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."

Charlie

That's good. Open with a joke.

Alan

It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.

Charlie

Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Alan

Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie

Alan, where'd the money come from?

Alan

I found it.

Charlie

Alan...

Alan

Mom.

Charlie

You traded your soul for a Porsch?

Alan

I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan

The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.

Charlie

Well, then go 65.

Alan

The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?

Charlie

Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Jake

How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?

Charlie

Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know

Jake

How come?

Charlie

Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Evelyn

Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie

Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Evelyn

Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Charlie

Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?

Charlie

That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?

Jake

Sí.

Charlie

Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.

Alan

Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.

Charlie

Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?

Alan

Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."

Charlie

Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

Alan

Nice, but I can top it.

Charlie

Go.

Alan

It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."

Charlie

We gotta go get Jake.

Charlie

Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan

He broke her.

Charlie

Chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan

It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie

I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.

Alan

Me, too.

Charlie

But clearly, he is the chosen one.

Jake

Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]

Alan

And they shall call him Jake.

Alan

Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.

Charlie

How come?

Alan

Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?

Charlie

Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.