Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!

Berta

I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!

Charlie

That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!

Jake

Uncle Charlie?

Charlie

Yeah, buddy.

Jake

You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Alan

Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.

Jake

Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Charlie

Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?

Aw, mom...

Get in the car, we're going home.

But mom, we're getting married!

To this trash? I don't think so.

Excuse me?

Charlie

Roll with it, Mom.

I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...

I'm going. I'm going.

Keep the robe.

Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?

I'm going. I'm going.

He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

Charlie

I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

Charlie

Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia

Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia

Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie

What?

Alan

It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie

You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan

Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie

Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan

Stay out of my room.

Mia

Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake

Oh... all right.

Charlie

You want me to tuck you in?

Jake

I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Charlie

What is that old witch doing here?

Alan

Old witch? She's a charming woman!

Charlie

Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie

Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Alan

OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.

Charlie

Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

Alan

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.

Alan

Stop it!

Charlie

Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie

Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Alan

Give it a rest, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Charlie

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn

Good God.

Jake

Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan

Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan

Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Alan

Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?

Charlie

Attaboy!

Charlie

You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.

Alan

But what about you? We had the same mother.

Charlie

Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.

Alan

Oh, how I'll try.

Would you like some more pretzels?

Charlie

Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Alan

Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?

Charlie

Shhh. Don't tell anybody.

Alan

But isn't that just a temporary solution.

Charlie

It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

Alan

I like it.

Alan

Did I really tell the waiter I loved him?

Charlie

Well, you had to say something after a kiss like that.

Charlie

You lucky dog!

Alan

What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!

Charlie

Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

Alan

No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.

Charlie

Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!