[During a lull in the Patriots of Tomorrow essay-reading contest, Lisa is questioned over her essay on corruption]
MargeLisa, what's gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd-pleasing.
I'm sorry Dad, I couldn't think of a nice way to say "America Stinks."
PBPaper boy
[selling Washington Beacon] EXTRA EXTRA! Feds nab rotten Rob!
[buys copy] Gimme one of those.
Marge
[reads headline] Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian.
I can't believe it. The system works!
Marge
So, Bart. What did you learn in karate school today?
Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.
Uh... I learned the Touch of Death.
Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.
Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!!
Marge
Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
[After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]
[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Oh, will you quit your complaining!
Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!
Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?
Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.
[Homer wakes up screaming]
Marge
Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]
AAnnouncer
Next week, on "The Simpsons"...
[Everyone is at the breakfast table]
Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!
Oh, I hate having two heads!
[The credits staring at the end, Halloween music appears. After the credits, Gracie Films organ music in the background, and 20th Television Fox music is back to normal at the end of the episode]
[Marge is doing some accounting]
[enters with his latest purchase] Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.
Marge
Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
[looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
Marge
I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor]
Marge! Marge, where's the baby?!
[pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
[stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!
[furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!
Marge
Homer, does this mean...?
Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
[Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]
So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge
HOMER!
Sorry. Uh...could you edit that last part out?
Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield]
What about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
[betrayed] So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]
Marge
[to Homer] You're a very selfish man.
[plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times] Once again, great present, Dad!
[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV]
[standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Marge
Uh-huh.
But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [exits the picture via a hang glider]
Marge
[picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!
[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer]
Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... [turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]
[Marge and Lisa arrive, towing a brand-new doghouse in a wagon]
Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
Where'd you get the money?
Marge
Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.
[Maggie crawls out]
Marge
No, behind her!
[reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?
[About Bart's fake love letters to Mrs. Krabappel]
Marge
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
Marge
No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
Marge
We'll all help.
[Later]
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
Marge
That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
[Even later]
Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay!"
Marge
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
[Even later, as Maggie sleeps]
"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."
Marge
[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
[Marge and Lisa grumble]
Marge
How shall we end it?
How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?
BLBart and Lisa
[impressed] Awww!
Marge
Oh, that's sweet!
Homer, you old honey-dripper!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
