Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

[sees Itchy and Scratchy on TV and Maggie is imitating Itchy's moves using a pencil] So television is responsible. [turns off the TV]

Lisa

Hey, we were watching that!

Bart

Mom, what are you doing?!

Marge

Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever!

Lisa

But Mom! If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.

Bart

Really? What kind of robots?

Homer

I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million! $500,000, I spit at his $500,000! [attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. He tries to clean off the chair]

Marge

[losing her patience with Homer's behavior] Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!

Mr. Burns

[realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!

Marge

Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

Mr. Burns

[reappearing on the scene with Smithers, and gets the check to tear it up] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds!

Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Marge

Mmm...Yes, I do.

Hutz

She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer

[cringes] D'oh, the truth.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

[walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge

Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!

Marge

[trying to plead the fifth] I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Homer

Will that hold up in court?

Hutz

[glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.

Young Marge

Couldn't we use just rouge for this?

Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.

Young Marge

Why so glum?

Young Homer

[sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

Homer

And I never have.

Marge

So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart

Hell.

Homer

BART!

Bart

What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?

Homer

Kid's got a point, Marge.

Bart

Hell yes!

Marge

Bart.

Bart

[sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge

Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Bart

Bye, Unkie Herb.

Lisa

Goodbye, Unkie Herb.

Marge

Goodbye, Herb.

Homer

Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! [boards bus that just arrived] As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! [bus closes doors and leaves]

Marge

[consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa

His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Bart

No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa

[sarcastically while being sick] If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart

Fine, then...Wait a minute...If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge

Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart

Hey, who's the mop-top with the big schnoz?

Homer

Don't you know anything, boy? That's Ringo Starr. [Notices Marge's signature in the bottom corner] Hey. Your mother must have painted this. I guess she thought he was kind of cute. [Flipping through the stack of paintings including one of Ringo without a shirt and another of Marge and Ringo getting married] What?? Hey! What the--? MARGE!

Marge

Now Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl, The Beatles were very popular and I had a crush on them.

Homer

[Muttering to himself] A likely story..

Marge

Oh my!

Mr. Burns

[grabbing a towel from Smithers] If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting.

Marge

[closes the door] I'm so sorry Mr. Burns.

Bart

Hey mom, did he have those hideous spots all over his body?

Mr. Burns

I heard that! [closes the door]

Bart

Uh oh!

Would you be more comfortable if I left too, sir?

Mr. Burns

Of course not Smithers, you're...you're like a doctor.

Mr. Burns

[offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge

[to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

[chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.

Dr. Hibbert

If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge

Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert

Remember, I said "if".

Bart

[about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...

Homer

Uh-huh...

Bart

Was in my hand...

Homer

Yeah...

Homer

[shouting] D'OOOOOOOOH!!! [upset] Why did you do that?!

Bart

Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured-

Homer

[turns red with anger] I'LL SHOW YOU "MAD IN THE MORNING"! [starts strangling Bart]

Marge

Homer, you encouraged him! You should be strangling yourself!

Homer

[sobbing as he tries] She's right! Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time! [yanks Bart away]

Marge

The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart

Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge

Well then...I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer

Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge

Well...then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa

Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer

Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge

But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer

Amen to that!

Homer

Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?

Marge

I washed it.

Homer

Oh, thank you Marge. [sees his shirt turned pink] Aaaah! Pink? Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Marge

[comforts Homer] Now Homer don't panic, you have plenty of white shirts.

Homer

[grabs all of his pink shirts] Oh gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, oh no pink? pink? Pink! [sobs] It's all over, Marge! It's all over!

Marge

I don't know how this could have happened?

Bart

[grabs his red hat] Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle.

Homer

[turns red with anger] You! YOU DID THIS TO ME! [furiously grabs Bart by the neck and angrily strangles him]

Bart

I... apologize!

Marge

[stops Homer from strangling Bart] Oh, please. No one's going to notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.