Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Five dollars!

Mr. Burns

Five hundred.

Homer

Five dollars, cash.

Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--

Bart

Dad!

Homer

Five hundred-one!

Mr. Burns

Ten million.

Homer

Objection, Your Honor!

Bart

[watching the St. Patrick's Day celebrations] Urgh, where's the IRA when you need them?

We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb. [A double decker bus bearing a Union Jack drives past] Oh, in the old days, we'd have been all over that.

Marge

Bart, how did you get a cellphone?

Bart

The same way you got me, by accident on a golf course.

Aloha.

Bart

Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.

Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?

Bart

Why won't you come down?

Mr. Burns

I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

Homer

You just cost me $200,000!

Bart

I thought it was 50.

Homer

I was gonna bet it on the dogs!

Bart

Uh, I can explain.

Krusty

Kill the child!

Marge

Bart, I've had it with you! I'm taking away your TV privileges.

Bart

You already did that.

Marge

Okay, then video games.

Bart

That, too.

Marge

No more non-dice broad games!

Bart

What? You can't take my Balderdash!

Marge

I just did! [Bart grunts angrily and goes to the bathroom]

Bart

You look like a dorky version of me!

Simon

And you look like a dim-witted version of me!

Homer

[angrily strangles Simon, who is impersonating Bart, while the real Bart, impersonating Simon, is in the Woosterfield limousine] You ruined everything!

Bart

Driver, laugh at those people for me.

Chester

My pleasure, sir. [False laughing]

Bart

Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.

[steps out of the wall] It's not a poster.

I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.

Bart

Back in the poster, gabby.

Yes, sir.

Homer

Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!

Bart

Yes, sir. [Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots] I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!

Homer

Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

Steve Mobbs

Greetings! It is I, your insanely great leader Steve Mobbs. I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep beneath the sea with an announcement that will change the way you look at everything. And that announcement is...

Bart

[speaking through a microphone over Mobbs' visual]...you're all losers!

Bart

You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it. Well guess what, they cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!

Bart

I have made a fortune off you chumps. And I've invested it all in Microsoft. Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!

Seymour Skinner

Hmmm, Men, the room for me.

Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.

Bart

Why would I want to?

Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney

[Reading] "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.

Bart

Why would I want to?

Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney

[Reading] Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--"

The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.

Bart

My nards accept.

Lisa

Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?

Marge

Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.

Bart

We could be murderers.

Homer

Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

Bart

Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?

Homer

Hey, that was... [hits Bart]

Bart

Ow!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

Well, we... I... You come up with an excuse! [hits Bart again]

Bart

Ow!