Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Bob's playing you all like saps! This man's a killer!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, how he accuses me, at my very own trial! I can take no more! I...I...I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice! [take out Nitroglycerin]

Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic! [people in the courtroom scream and scurry in terror]

Bart

Yoink! [he snatches the nitroglycerin out of Bob's hands] Foiled again, freak! [then he tosses it out the window]

Sideshow Bob

You don't understand! I...I...[groans as he begins to collapse onto the courtroom floor].

Cecil

I once felt that way, too.

Bart

Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?

Cecil

Biologically, yes, but we never got along. He was always zigging when I zagged. That Summer, when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France. So we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.

Bart

That's stupid. You talk like you're smart, but you're stupid.

Cecil

Anyway, I choose to remember Bob as the big brother who taught me to play Botticelli.

Bart

Sounds boring.

Cecil

Oh you'd love it. It's a guessing game where one player adopts the guise of a noteworthy....[looks at Bart's bored face.] You're right, it is boring. But the only way to find true happiness is to make your peace with Bob.

Bart

Well, I guess I could say goodbye.

Cecil

You better make it snappy, they're cremating him in 30 minutes. I'll be scattering his ashes over the castles of France! [cackles.] Take that, ashes.

Lisa

Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!

Homer

Now who was it with?

Bart

Uh...Apu.

Homer

Right!

Dr. Hibbert

To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.

Lisa

But won't that shift a burden to your children?

Bart

No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. [points to Maggie] Let her figure out someone to dump it on.

Lisa

Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!

Homer

Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!

Lisa

And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!

Bart

The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Homer

[mockingly] Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? [High-fives Bart.]

Lisa

Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

Bart

Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.

Marge

Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.

Homer

Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.

Homer

Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.

Bart

The 90s? Never heard of it.

Bart

Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?

Lisa

It seemed like twenty.

Bart

Who's the new meat in my seat?

Bart, this is Donny. He's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.S. 132.

P.S., that school sucked.

Don't worry, Bart. Willie's bringing you something to sit on.

Hey, Krabappel! Your name sounds like "crabapple". Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?

[sighs] Pretty much.

Bart

Yeah, nothing's up, nothing's down, except for Martin, who died.

Lisa

Idiot! [slaps Bart]

Bart

D'oh!

Lisa

Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!

Bart

You're right. Let's watch TV.

Homer

Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.

Bart

You have a drinking problem?

Homer

I said secret.

Marge

I'm really worried about Lurleen.

Homer

Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she cut the word "pop" out of all our foods.

Bart

You'd think living in a house of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Bart

So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?

Homer

That's right.

Bart

But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".

Homer

Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

Homer

[turns red in anger] You stupid kid! What if I walked in here barefoot?

Bart

You did, Dad.

Lisa

[off-screen] Happy birthday, Mom.

Marge

[groans sadly] Thank you, dear.