Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!

Marge

I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. [Leaves the room.]

Marge

Bart Simpson: Age 3. [Marge takes the laundry basket with Lisa back inside.]

Bart

[Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.] Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

Bart

[after the women in book club are dying] Oh my God, Oh my God, we're totally liable! [notices the only woman you have left and began canoodling and making out]

Homer

Ohhhhh...yes. [but realizes the dream was so gross and unreliable] I mean... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [camera zooms back out to see if Marge and the women in book club are safe]

Ned

This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.

Bart

She is. Look.

Homer

Goodbye.

Homer

[getting up] D'oh!

Marge

How about a family outing?

Bart

Family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Bart

This one's a little gay, isn't it?

Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.

Homer

Ew. How'd you check?

Bart

So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa

You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Marge

It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.

Lisa

[to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!

Bart

Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]

Lisa

That's the angry one!

Bart

[chokingly] Uh-huh!

Marge

Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?

Bart

Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

Bart

Get a room!

Homer

Come on boy, be cool.

Bart

But-

Homer

Be cool or you're grounded!

Homer

What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? [his stomach continues rumbling] Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? [his stomach continues rumbling] Uh-oh. [gets up and runs off] Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! [runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it]

Marge

Taken!

Bart

Occupied!

Lisa

Hurling!

Homer

Uh-oh!

Marge

Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?

Lisa

Yes!

Bart

Yeah!

Maggie

Ja! [Marge gasps.]

Maggie

Ja! Ja!

Homer

[in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?

Marge

BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!

Maggie

Ja! Ja!

Bart

[To Mrs. Krabappel] I was the one who put liquor on your coffee and got you fired. [chuckles]

[shocked] You did What?!

Bart

Please, don't kill me!

Lisa

[sees a decapitated head of Mrs. Hoover] You killed her?

Bart

Right, like we agreed.

Lisa

I never said "kill"!

Bart

Yeah, 'cause you're smart. You don't say "kill," you say "prank." Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug."

Lisa

Well, I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel!

Bart

So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run?

Lisa

Yeah, "ding dong ditch".

Bart

"Ding dong ditch" means you kill her. Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch.

Marge

You two are going out? I thought I told you the Flanders were coming over for dinner.

Lisa

I'm having a tea party at Janey's.

Bart

And I'm having a stink bomb party at the house next to Janey's... no connection.

Bart

Stop dragging me! When I get older I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes.

Marge

Oh, that's wonderful!

Homer

Girls are easy! Girls love daddy, girls give birthday cards with glitter and sprinkles, and I don't have to tell them how their bodies work 'cause I don't know!

Bart

You never told me how my body works.

Homer

Point and shoot.