[Homer has a Jack in the Box for a body. He tucks Bart into bed using his mouth]
BartGood night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish I could repay you?
Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
Bart
You got it. [using his mind]
[regains his body] Oh! Hey, Hey. [hugs Bart] Thanks boy.
Bart
I love you dad.
I love you son. [kisses Bart's forehead]
[We cut to reality as the dream ends, Bart wakes up screaming in terror, the camera zooms into his mouth, cutting to commercial break]
[After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]
[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Oh, will you quit your complaining!
Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!
Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?
Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.
[Homer wakes up screaming]
Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Bart
Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]
AAnnouncer
Next week, on "The Simpsons"...
[Everyone is at the breakfast table]
Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!
Oh, I hate having two heads!
[The credits staring at the end, Halloween music appears. After the credits, Gracie Films organ music in the background, and 20th Television Fox music is back to normal at the end of the episode]
[Bart plays his first prank with the Superstar Celebrity Microphone. The victim is Homer]
Bart
[on radio] People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. [Homer screams, runs out of the kitchen, and fetches a shotgun] We have captured your President. He was delicious!
[turns red in anger] Why, you little... [strangles Bart, then stops, turns his face normal] Wait a minute. Does this mean you like my present?
Bart
Uh-huh.
[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield]
What about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
[betrayed] So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]
[to Homer] You're a very selfish man.
Bart
[plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times] Once again, great present, Dad!
[About Bart's fake love letters to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
[Later]
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
Bart
That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
[Even later]
Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
Bart
[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay!"
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
[Even later, as Maggie sleeps]
"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."
[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
[Marge and Lisa grumble]
How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?
BLBart and Lisa
[impressed] Awww!
Bart
Homer, you old honey-dripper!
[Bart takes the fall for Lisa stealing the answer keys]
I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Bart
Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."
[grumbles in irritation] Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days' detention.
Bart
Eh, four hundred days? I can do that standing on my head.
All right, five hundred days!
Bart
[chuckling] Ooh, big man!
Bart
Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
[as the new hall monitor] Let's go, Simpson.
I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Bart
Is there a Doggie hell?
Well... of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
Bart
Who's in there?
Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...
Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
Bart
Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?
Oh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
Bart
You're gonna just let him die?
Bart
[ticked off] Darn right, I'm upset!
[covers Bart's mouth] Bart! Watch your language! [uncovers Bart's mouth] Oh, you did. Sorry.
Bart
[ticked off] I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! [furiously leaves the kitchen and angrily mumbles to himself]
Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.
SSSanta's Little Helper
[whimpers on Homer's leg]
[gets annoyed] Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.
Bart
Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
[Bart plays a tape recorder]
BBart (on tape)
"Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"
Marge, what were you thinking?!
Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!
[about his Magic Eight Ball]
You shake it up, and it tells the future!
Bart
Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]
[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
HHerb
[to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
BLBart and Lisa
Unky Herb!
HHerb
[hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
[rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
HHerb
I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
HHerb
I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
