Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.

Homer

I own stock!

Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.

Homer

[enters with his latest purchase] Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.

Marge

Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.

Homer

[looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!

Marge

I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.

Homer

Pfft. Now you tell me!

Homer

Marge! Marge, where's the baby?!

Patty

[pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!

Homer

Shut up!

Patty

[stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!

Homer

[furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!

Marge

Homer, does this mean...?

Homer

Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!

Dr. Hibbert

[horrified] Good God!

Homer

[to a small Bart being born, burns tie] Why, you little...! He did that on purpose!

Marge

How could he? He's only 10 minutes old!

Homer

Bart, I bet you think nothing's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present.

Bart

Next.

Marge

Bart, be polite.

Bart

Next, please.

Martin

Bart, I've noticed...your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. [picks up a present] I hope this turns the tide.

Patty

Ooh, just gorgeous.

Martin

Now we can be twins.

Bart

[on radio] People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. [Homer screams, runs out of the kitchen, and fetches a shotgun] We have captured your President. He was delicious!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little... [strangles Bart, then stops, turns his face normal] Wait a minute. Does this mean you like my present?

Bart

Uh-huh.

Kent Brockman

So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer

It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge

HOMER!

Homer

Sorry. Uh...could you edit that last part out?

Brockman

Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

Hi, Moe. A beer...and A LOT OF BILLS!

[laughs] Okay! [under breath] ...ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.

Homer

I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.

Ah, shut up.

Homer

All right, Denver. Justify my love.

At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

[walks into the room and blocks Homer's view, showing off her homemade Malibu Stacy apartment] Look, Dad! I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is the kitchen; this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter... [Homer, however, isn't paying attention to her] Dad, you're not listening to me!

Homer

Lousy, stupid Denver.

Lisa

What about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer

Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

Lisa

[betrayed] So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]

Marge

[to Homer] You're a very selfish man.

Bart

[plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times] Once again, great present, Dad!

Barney

Oh, man; you want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these! [hands out a spiked shell]

Homer

[finding out Maggie disappeared from the crib] Barney, I've lost the baby! It's the worst thing I've ever done!

Homer

Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... [turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]

Lisa

Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.

Homer

Where'd you get the money?

Marge

Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.

Homer

Maggie. Oh. Cute.

Marge

No, behind her!

Homer

[reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?

Marge

Bart, you did a very cruel thing.

Homer

Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.

Marge

No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!

Homer

Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!

Lisa

Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.

Homer

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

Marge

We'll all help.

Lisa

"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."

Bart

That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?

Marge

That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.

Homer

I may hold you to that, Marge.

Lisa

Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."

Bart

[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."

Homer

Three simple words: "I am gay!"

Marge

Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.

Lisa

"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."

Marge

[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.

Homer

"P.S., I am gay."

Marge

How shall we end it?

Homer

How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?

[impressed] Awww!

Marge

Oh, that's sweet!

Bart

Homer, you old honey-dripper!

Homer

You're Daryl Strawberry.

Yes.

Homer

You play right field.

Yes.

Homer

I play right field too.

So?

Homer

Well, are you better than me?

Well, I never met you, but...yes.

Homer

I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.

Bart

Is there a Doggie hell?

Homer

Well... of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.

Bart

Who's in there?

Homer

Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...

Lisa

Checkers.

Homer

Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!

Bart

Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?

Marge

Oh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.

Bart

You're gonna just let him die?

Marge

I know you're upset.

Bart

[ticked off] Darn right, I'm upset!

Marge

[covers Bart's mouth] Bart! Watch your language! [uncovers Bart's mouth] Oh, you did. Sorry.

Bart

[ticked off] I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! [furiously leaves the kitchen and angrily mumbles to himself]

Homer

Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.

[whimpers on Homer's leg]

Homer

[gets annoyed] Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.