Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.

Mr. Burns

Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]

Homer

I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]

Mr. Burns

[acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.

Homer

I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.

Mr. Burns

What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?

People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns

Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

[pause] If you did it, Sir?

Mr. Burns

Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

Homer

Hey, you did the best you could.

I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

Hey, you! Let's fight!

Them's fightin' words!

Homer

Duff, please.

[deep voice] We don't sell Duff. We sell Fudd.

Fudd? I thought it took that off the market after those hillbillies went blind.

Homer

Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night and... [Moe cuts him off]

Wh-- Wait a minute. You went to another bar?

Homer

Moe, I was 100 miles out of town!

Oh, Homer.

Homer

I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen

[pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

Gross!

Thanks for dinner! [car leaves teenage Homer behind]

No!

Young Homer

At least can I have a dollar?

Marge

I'll love you for the rest of your life.

Bart

Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.

Marge

What conversation?

"Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"

Homer

Marge, what were you thinking?!

Marge

That's not my voice!

Homer

Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!

Lisa

Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer

The vernal equinox?

Lisa

No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer

Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

[to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

Homer

[surprised] Herb?

Unky Herb!

[hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!

Homer

[rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...

I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.

Homer

Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?

I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!

Bart

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

Marge

I don't think so.

Homer

Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge

[sighs] No, Homer.

Helen Lovejoy

My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.

I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.

My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

Marge

I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.

Homer

God ...?

God

[points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken My church!

Homer

Well, kind of, but-

God

But what?!

Homer

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

God

[stops himself] Hmm, you've got a point there. [sits beside Homer] Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?

Homer

No, they moved to Phoenix.

God

Oh, yeah.

Homer

You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.

God

[sighs] I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

Homer

Give him one for me.

God

I will. [pets Snowball II]

Homer

So I figure I should just try to live right and worship You in my own way.

God

Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

Homer

The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!

Ned

[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy

No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.

Hindu! There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy

[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.

Homer

I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge

Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Kent Brockman

But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."

Homer

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

Lisa

Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer

I dunno. Was I drunk?

Lisa

Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

Homer

Really?

Lisa

Uh-huh.

Homer

Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Lisa

It's a deal.

Homer

[impersonating Alfred Hitchcock] Good evening. [normally] I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you! [clucks, flaps his arms] Chicken!

Marge

[offscreen] Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?

Homer

[offscreen] No. I swear on this Bible.

Marge

[offscreen] That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples!

Homer

[offscreen] Ooh...fuzzy.

Homer

Do you sell toys?

We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.

Homer

Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks up a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.

Homer

[worried] Ooooh, that's bad...

But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer

[relieved] That's good!

The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer

[worried] That's bad...

But you get your choice of topping.

Homer

[relieved] That's good!

The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer stares] That's bad.

Homer

Can I go now?