[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns]
The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Well then...I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
HomerWait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Well...then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer
Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer
Amen to that!
[The family laughs]
Homer
Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?
Homer
Oh, thank you Marge. [sees his shirt turned pink] Aaaah! Pink? Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
[comforts Homer] Now Homer don't panic, you have plenty of white shirts.
Homer
[grabs all of his pink shirts] Oh gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, oh no pink? pink? Pink! [sobs] It's all over, Marge! It's all over!
I don't know how this could have happened?
[grabs his red hat] Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle.
Homer
[turns red with anger] You! YOU DID THIS TO ME! [furiously grabs Bart by the neck and angrily strangles him]
[stops Homer from strangling Bart] Oh, please. No one's going to notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.
Hey, Dad. Do you hear voices?
Homer
[annoyed] Yes, I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV.
[checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger?
Homer
[angrily and raises his fist] Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up!
Yes. Do you wet your pants? Even the best of us has an occasional accident.
[The next morning, Bart and "Michael" push the piano into Lisa's bedroom while she's sleeping]
BBart and "Michael"
[Quietly] Lisa? Lisa! Lisa! [Bart pinches her nose and she wakes up]
That's right! Hope you like your present! [He dumps trash out of her wastebasket, puts on his red cap, and turns to "Michael," sitting at the piano] And a one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! [He taps the bottom of the wastebasket like a bongo drum]
?"Michael"
[Singing] Lisa, it's your birthday. God bless you this day. You gave me the gift of a little sister and I'm proud of you today.
BBart and "Michael"
Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
?"Michael"
I wish you love and goodwill. I wish you praise and joy!
I wish you better than your heart's desires...
?"Michael"
And your first kiss from a boy.
BBart and "Michael"
[As Homer, Marge, and Maggie come into the room] Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
Oh! This is the best present I ever got! [Hugs Bart] Thank you, Bart! Thank you, Michael!
LKLeon Kompowsky
[In his real voice] Well, my work here is done.
Hey, Michael! What happened to your voice?
LLeon
This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Till one day, I just... [In Michael Jackson's voice] ...talked like this. [Normal voice] All of a sudden, everybody was smilin' at me and I was only doin' good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
Homer
Not me! I've got this! [Shows his certificate, reading "Not insane"]
FCFaith Crowley
And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
Homer
Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
CCrowley
Um..."Important."
Homer
Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
Homer
Miss, just one more qu...
Homer
Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?
[During a lull in the Patriots of Tomorrow essay-reading contest, Lisa is questioned over her essay on corruption]
Lisa, what's gotten into you?
Homer
Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd-pleasing.
I'm sorry Dad, I couldn't think of a nice way to say "America Stinks."
PBPaper boy
[selling Washington Beacon] EXTRA EXTRA! Feds nab rotten Rob!
Homer
[buys copy] Gimme one of those.
[reads headline] Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian.
I can't believe it. The system works!
So, Bart. What did you learn in karate school today?
Homer
Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.
Uh... I learned the Touch of Death.
Homer
Ooh, the Touch of Death.
Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.
Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!!
Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
[Homer visits the Flanders to return a BBQ grill only to find them living out of their station wagon after the Leftorium goes out of business and his properties are seized]
Homer, I'm ruined. For me? Oh, thank you.
Homer
I know.
You know, in times like these, I used to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.
Homer
Why not?
I sold it to you for seven cents!
Homer
Oh.
[gets choked up] You know, ever since that barbecue, nothing had gone right. It's like there's been a... a curse on me. [and stops] Homer, Can you tell me? Tell me! What?!
Homer
[cries and tries to wipe tears with Flanders' own personal NF face towel] It's all my fault!
Wait. Is that my own personal NF face towel?
Homer
Yes, it is.
No, you tried to warn me against engaging in risky ventures! I should have known better than to gamble my family's future on some pig in a poke! I didn't listen. Homer, you are a true friend! [he and Homer embrace]
Homer
No, I was a swine. [Maude, Rod and Todd and Marge embrace as well]
Homer
[lets go of embrace] Listen, Flanders.
Homer
Do you still have that store?
For two more days, then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.
Homer
Flanders, you open that store tomorrow.
[despondent] Homer, there's no point -
Homer
I SAID DO IT!!
[Homer has a Jack in the Box for a body. He tucks Bart into bed using his mouth]
Homer
Good night, son.
Good night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish I could repay you?
Homer
Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
You got it. [using his mind]
Homer
[regains his body] Oh! Hey, Hey. [hugs Bart] Thanks boy.
Homer
I love you son. [kisses Bart's forehead]
[We cut to reality as the dream ends, Bart wakes up screaming in terror, the camera zooms into his mouth, cutting to commercial break]
[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch surveillance footage of employees toying around and avoiding work]
Ooh, look at them, Smithers - goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.
Very well. [to the screen] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace] Blugh! Him!
[on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up] Wake up, Homer!
Homer
[wakes up, alarmed and confused] What? Huh? What?! [starts pressing buttons]
[on the speaker] You're fired.
Homer
For what?
[on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.
Homer
How did you know I was sleeping?
[on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
Homer
[sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!
[After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]
Homer
[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Oh, will you quit your complaining!
Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!
Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?
Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.
[Homer wakes up screaming]
Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Homer
No, Bart bit me!
Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Homer
Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer
[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]
AAnnouncer
Next week, on "The Simpsons"...
[Everyone is at the breakfast table]
Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer
Mmm...spaghetti.
But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!
Homer
Oh, I hate having two heads!
[The credits staring at the end, Halloween music appears. After the credits, Gracie Films organ music in the background, and 20th Television Fox music is back to normal at the end of the episode]
[calls Homer on the phone] Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Homer
Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer
Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. I'm filling in for Actor Buck Henderson. Now, Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
BHBuck Henderson
One of our best writers.
Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy and rubs, removing all the grime]
AAudience
Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
[The tombstone shines and twinkles]
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Homer
[watching the show on TV] Ooh, that's one clean tombstone!
I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!
[A chair is thrown on stage nearly hitting Dr. Nick]
BHBuck Henderson
I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
Homer
[watching the show on TV] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
Okay, I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!
[The audience goes wild]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
