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SpongeBob SquarePants quotes

1,068 quotes · page 18 of 72

SpongeBob SquarePants

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S3Wet Painters

Okay, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. [holds up his big brush] Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the big brush to the right of him then takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same, but out comes a large bunch of nose hairs. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall] All right, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well... here we go.

French Narrator

One hour later...

Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.

French Narrator

Two hours later...

I'm getting to the painting...

French Narrator

Three hours later...

[holds the timecard, breaking the fourth wall] Can you move it along? I'm all out of timecards.

[standing by a washing machine] Did it work?

[comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head] Nope.

[sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand] Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]

Nope.

[uses a fire hose to shoot a massive stream of water at Patrick, who screams in pain offscreen] Did it work?

[holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, except for the part blocked by his arms] Nope.

[The camera pans along various tools that apparently failed at the task. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is beating up the dollar, but Patrick takes the hits] Oof! Oof! Oof! [later shows SpongeBob with a baseball bat and Patrick with a black eye and neck brace, still holding the dollar]

Nothing's working!

Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]

It didn't work.

Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

[simultaneously] We're so sorry!

[looks at dollar again] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]

[holding green crayon while SpongeBob stares at him] I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!?

You mean our butts?

Can I use mine one last time?

[takes the dollar off the frame, licks it, and sets it back; the paint has washed off] There we go, good as new. [SpongeBob and Patrick stammer "but" nonstop] Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. [laughs]

Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs! You told us the paint was permanent, so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Nah, I just like to mess with ya! [laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick grimace and leave in disgust; Mr. Krabs ends up spitting while laughing, washing off all the paint on the walls] Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

S3Krusty Krab Training Video

Sounds like a lot of --

Hoopla!

Eh, sounds like a lot of --

Hoopla!

Sounds like a --

Hoopla! [scrolls over to him yelling] Hoopla!

[Someone off screen throws a brick at the fish, knocking him unconscious. The screen scrolls back to the patty.]

Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a Krabby Patty, am I right? [laughs] WRONG!

But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good. [about Squidward] Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him..."Squidward".

[as Squidward occupies himself in the bathroom] Remember, no employee wants to be a Squidward.

Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.

Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says.

The money is always right.

The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

[as Squidward causes an incident for slipping] Don't worry, Squidward. Mr. SquarePants can cover for you.

Hear me, Krabs! You'll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead...[as he is getting picked up by Mr. Krabs; in a high-pitched voice] Felicitations, malefactors! I am in town to find my minions! And I just know how to speak their lang- [Mr. Krabs flicks him outside the Krusty Krab] (screams)

[SpongeBob continues to run and scream]

S3Chocolate with Nuts

Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?

[holds two chocolate bars: one with a peanut logo, and one without] Yes, sir, with or without nuts.

[going mad] Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?! CHOCOLATE!!!! [SpongeBob and Patrick are concerned and slowly back away from the screaming fish. They then run off as Tom chases them while madly screaming] CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!

[SpongeBob rings the doorbell and the same con-artist who sold them a bunch of candy bar bags appears]

CACon-artist

Yes?

Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

CACon-artist

I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

We'll take 20.

Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

[Patrick knocks on the door. The fish opens the door]

C1Customer 1

Hello?

I love you.

[A harp plays as the customer shuts his door]

I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.

Remember, Patrick, focus. [knocks]

C2Customer 2

Yes?

Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.

[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out on the customer]

C2Customer 2

Why is Chubby here staring at me?

Focusing.

C2Customer 2

Back up, Jack. [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]

Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.

Yes?

Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [sultry] Is your mother home?

Mom!

[Her mother, a shriveled up lump of dust, enters]

MMother

What, what, what's all the yelling?! You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!

They're selling chocolate.

MMother

Chocolate?

Yeah!

MMother

What, what are they selling?!

Chocolates!

MMother

What?!

Chocolates!

MMother

I can't hear you!

THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

MMother

They're selling chocolate?

Yeah!

MMother

Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!

Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever!

MMother

Live forever, ya say? I'll take one!

[Mary slaps her; she goes back inside as Mary pays SpongeBob]

MMother

Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

I hate you.

S3Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V

I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!

I respect you, Barnacle Man!

BBarnacle "Man"

That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!

Evil?

SKSquidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick

Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]

Evil!

BBarnacle "Man"

I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]

Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]

Did someone say evil?

Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]

BBarnacle "Man"

Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]

Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]

I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.

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