SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 9
What was that?
Why, those are the Dwastic Wadicals, the #1 practitioners of extweme spowts. [sips tea]
Extreme what?
Extweme... spowts.
"Extreme spots"? Well, that's no fair. You're already covers in extreme spots. Ooh, hold on a second. [hive buzzing, Patrick screaming, electricity crackling] Okay, let's do meet our new heroes.
Thank you. Yes. Oh my... well, then... I'm afraid you've broken no records.
[their jaws dropped] Huh?
This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You, however, have sent a brand new record: Most injuries sustained while helping a friend.
Good for you, SpongeBob.
[cracks into pieces] Um... hooray.
Say "cheese"! [takes a picture as the episode ends]
Hey, where'd he come from?
[gasps] The Dirty Bubble?!
The Dirty Bubble? I wanted to unmask Man Ray.
And so it's come to this. No home, no best friend, and sleeping under a bus stop. [a nematode pops out of the ground] Hello, little nematode. Will you be my friend? [the nematode crawls onto SpongeBob's arm] Atta boy. [the nematode crawls onto SpongeBob's arm] That tickles! [the nematode emerges with his wallet] Hey, my wallet! Good thing I cancelled those credit cards.
This shake is disgusting! Why, you probably don't even have a license to milkshake!
A license to milkshake? Well, of course I do, silly! And it doesn't expire until... [looks at his license] ...SEVEN YEARS AGO?
Ah, yes, just how I like it... nice and empty.
Hey, I'm still here.
Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty.
[voiceover] Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had! This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. Specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intended those words are. Knowing I have the tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. And I hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year: cleaning day! Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah yes, cleaning day.
Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
What do you think of Mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt?
Plaid? [SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken]
Well, you don't have to be nasty about it!
That's low, Squidward... even for you. You'd better apologize.
Pfft! He'll get over it.
Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. [holding up a newspaper]
Oh, boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. [a cover of paper shows a sad photo of SpongeBob. There is writing that says "Local Fry Cook Devastated." Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him scornfully] Taxi! [waving as a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires approaching him]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.
Yes, I am. [taxi drives away in an angry attitude after hearing Squidward's revelation. The tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking]
Diary thief!
Jerk!
[from outside a house window] Secret stealer!
Billy, stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
Idiots. [The scene changes to outside of SpongeBob's, Patrick's, and Squidward's houses, with Squidward at his front door. It opens, revealing Quincy]
Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. [holds up loan papers] We are repossessing your house.
[coughs] What?!
Take it away, boys! [Squidward's house is lifted away with a crane.]
Hi, Squidward. How's it going?
SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.
What for?
For reading your diary.
Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published! It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you! Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary! Now, that would have been really embarrassing...
[SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff crash through the wall of the house, thereby wrecking the TV]
[chuckling despite the 3-D movie gone from the TV] Wow!
I think it's safe to say you have once again [gives the driving test paper to SpongeBob with a big red 'F' imposing the sheet] failed your driving test! [SpongeBob sadly looks at the paper as the teenage fish laugh at him]
Uh, but, Mrs. Puff, I-
No buts, SpongeBob! You fail this test over and over. I'm beginning to think you are simply... [gets in his face] unteachable. [teenage fish laugh again] Now, get out of my sight.
[SpongeBob shakes and begins to look upset]
I...I... [bawling violently at Mrs. Puff as the tears blow out of his eyes] I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff...!
[SpongeBob runs off crying in despair as Mrs. Puff growls]
Nothing ever happens in this dump...
[jumps up] Squid...!
Why did I say that?
[jumps up] Ward!
[pulls down the curtain on the window but then hears the phone ring and answers it] Krusty Krab.
Help!
[comes into the kitchen to see what's going on] What?!
Ahhhhhh!
[SpongeBob is running all around the place, Squidward grabs SpongeBob and slams him down]
What are you screaming about?!
[jumps on Squidward's head] Sea urchin! Geh...
[Squidward notices the urchin on his foot and he and SpongeBob jump onto the grill with the urchin crawling around on the walls]
[screaming] Mr. Krabs!
[enters] What's all the ruckus?!
There's an urchin in the kitchen!
What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is a standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. [holds up his claw and notices the urchin on him and screams. The urchin jumps off his tongue and then he jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward. The urchin continues to crawl around making strange noises. The grill then starts to smoke] The grill is still on... isn't it?
[scream and jump into bathroom stalls, and into the toilets] Ah...
Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! [walks down further into the alley] This time!
Hey! You! [starts walking toward Squidward]
Let me give him a taste! A mere morsel of what's in store! [karate chops] Hi-yah! [kicks] Hi-yah! [flips] Hi-yah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! [the man walks closer] Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! [the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily] Okay buddy, I warned ya! [near a trash can] I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hi-yah! [kicks the trash can toward the man]
What? [gets hit on the head by the trash can] Ow!
[laughs] How do you like them apples? Wah! [punches a crate at the man]
Oh! Ow!
[holding two wooden planks] Hah! Feel my wrath! [throws them] How's your uncle?!
[gets hit on the head by one of the planks] Ow! [the other hits him on the stomach] Ow!
And as my finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! He-yah! [spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]
Oh... hey, man! Wha-what was that for? [holding Squidward's groceries] I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!
[takes the groceries] Uh, oh.
Sandy! I found him! He's over here! [holding the belt] You forgot your belt silly! [looks at the man and gasps]
Gosh! What happened to you?
This guy's been... ka-rah-tayed!
After all I said about never using karate for revenge?
For shame, Squidward. For shame.
Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. [takes the belt] Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. [walks off with SpongeBob]
Whatever! I'm still a karate master!
Wow, really? You are? [walks Squidward to the police car]
Yes I am!
Hey watch your head. [Squidward gets into the police car. Then John gets into it] Oh, I'd never guess it.
And what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, uh... nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the midsection...
Okay, already! I get it! [notices the handcuffs on him] What? Wait a second. Am I under arrest?
You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent... [Squidward screams loudly] ...or not silent. [drives off as the episode ends]
Psst! Hey, Sheldon!
SpongeBob?! What in the sea shell are you doing here?!
Mr. Krabs arranged for me to work here on weekends. He wants me to keep an eye on you!
Excuse me. Doesn't this count as "cruel and unusual punishment"?
Pipe down, pipsqueak!
[takes out a toy baton] Look! They even gave me a training baton! [keeps tapping Plankton with it]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
