SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 3
[Karen projects holographic meatloaf, Plankton pokes it with a fork]
[sarcastically] Oh, goodie. Holographic meatloaf again. [slams his fists on a table] When am I going to get some real food?! Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's as big as a whale! I wish I could be as successful as Mr. Krabs. I wish I could just somehow switch lives with him... just to know what it's like!
[angrily squishes Plankton] You!
Me?
You think this is funny?
In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
Well, Mr. Funny Man... [shows Plankton a Krabby Patty] is this how you get your sick kicks?!
What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [close up of the Krabby Patty in question, which is covered in mold and stuffed with insects, hair, planks of wood, a sock, an eyeball, and a nail] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!
I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.
Oh, what now?
A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large. I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!
I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [pokes SpongeBob's chest] Where's the off button on this thing?
MAN YOUR STATIONS! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Take cover!
Krabs?! What the barnacles is going on here?!
It's your arch competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant.
That's terrible!
Yeah! But the worst part of it is...
[Krabs lands behind Plankton, and Plankton turns around to see that Krabs is completely nude]
GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!
I'm every bit as cool as Larry, and if I'm not, let me be struck by... [lightning flashes overhead] ... A flying ice cream truck. [the flying ice cream truck plummets in his direction] AND LIVE!
[the ice cream truck stops just above SpongeBob, then drops onto him gently]
[through megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.
[notices Patrick struggling in the water] Holy cow! Somebody's drowning!
Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed.
Dude, get your butt in the water!
If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.
Help, help! [SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades] I can't swim!
Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.
I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
They would have to have crossed the line...
I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line!
[looks at the angry fish and takes out a pair of binoculars] Okay, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... [his eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars] ...PATRICK ISN'T DROWNING! [sees Patrick drowning]
Oh, no! That didn’t just happen! Please tell me that didn’t happen!
What happened?
Where are we? We’re lost there’s no way out! Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, with SpongeBob and Patrick! [they wave] Why must every eleven minutes be filled with misery, why?!
Oh, cheer up, squid it could be worse.
Yeah, you could be bald, and have a big nose.
[Squidward's nose starts timpani and squeak]
Well, this is the end. [falls to the floor where a duck sound is quacked]
No, it’s not, Squidward.
[stops hammering on their coffins] It’s not?
Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? [pulls the string]
Nothing.
The shell has spoken!
NOTHING?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are literally doing nothing; groans angrily] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy! [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing and not answer. He growls angrily again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity!
SpongeBob, your story has touched me heart. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to give up a best friend.
You do?
I was five years old, and me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. Me and that dollar went everywhere together.
What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?
[sniffles] And one day at the beach, it was so hot and I was so thirsty! I SPENT IT ON A SODA!! [sobbing] My best friend! [crying]
[sobs some more because of the onions again] What? Would you get out of here!
The point is, son, sometimes, you have to set things free even though it's hard. [points to Mystery] Look at her. She misses the great outdoors, the wide-open spaces, the rolling green pastures. The kitchen is no place for a live horse.
[Two customers spit out their patties]
Alright, Mr. Krabs, I understand.
SpongeBob, where's my order?
Did you look under the tray.
Oh, no I didn't. Sorry. SpongeBob, could you just get my order?
They vanished! Squidward, do you think the Krusty Krab is haunted? When will it come for me next? [panics] I gotta get out of here!
Just get my order.
You got it, Squidward. [laughs] Ghosts. [Mystery eats his Krusty Krab hat] Mystery, you ate my hat! [Mystery burps out his spatula, then SpongeBob gasps] Mystery, you ate my spatula! [no Krabby Patties] You ate all the Krabby Patties! [bitten stove] You ate the stove! [no one in the wheelchair] You ate Old Man Jenkins!
I don't want to be a burden.
[Angry customers]
Folks, we have a minor situation going on in the kitchen.
Where's our food?
I’m so hungry!
This is my only lunch hour!
Where's Old Man Jenkins?!
[very upset that Mystery left] Well, what are you waiting for? Can't you see I don't want you anymore? [cries, sees Patrick with a wooden board on his head] JUST GET OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID, DUMB ANIMAL! [cries harder]
Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!
[Everyone laughs]
Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.
"The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one".
SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first! [walks out from behind the counter] And not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]
But it's good for you!
[turns around] Good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]
Oh, please! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter are heard. Squidward is surprised, stopping those effects, and looks to the viewer's left. He walks off]
Give me that! [to SpongeBob] When I die, you stay away from my funeral.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
