Does this mean we're not getting pizza?
S3Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V
[at the Krusty Krab. Barnacle "Man" is eating an adult-sized Krabby Patty]
How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacle [winks] Man?
BBarnacle "Man"
Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing.
[Mermaid Man laughs, then Barnacle "Man" laughs, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing. The guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself; he turns around and laughs hysterically]
S3New Student Starfish
Today's first lesson will be turning...
[whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]
[holding in laughter] Patrick.
[also holding in laughter] What?
I thought of something funnier than 24.
Let me hear it.
25.
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]
That's enough! Young one, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention!
Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Now then, turning: What every driver should know, when you are turning it's important to signal at least 20 feet from the turn pushing the drivers behind you.
[gasps upon seeing Patrick's ugly drawing of Mrs. Puff] "Big Fat Meanie"?? Patrick, you can't do that! She's the teacher!
What about the teacher? [grabs Patrick's drawing of her. She then appears identical to Patrick's drawing in anger] As if I really look like this?! SpongeBob, I believe you know the punishment for two classroom disruptions!
No...!
I’m sorry, SpongeBob, but if one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle.
I'm a good noodle! I'm a good noodle!
You will get this star back when you earn it.
Nooo! [Mrs Puff removes his star while he jumps up and down on his chair, hits his head on the desk.]
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! [The star gets removed and SpongeBob faints on the floor]
Mrs. Puff, is it nap time?
SpongeBob, I've have enough of your nonsense. Now, let me see, collect your things, and move to the available desk somewhere in the back of the room.
But... me? But why?
Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go.
[mad] Thanks a lot, Patrick.
Sure thing, buddy. [SpongeBob walks to the back. His classmates are staring at him]
Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here... [Mrs. Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back] It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway? [reads the writing on the desk] 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? [shivers] Where am I?
[whispering] Psst, SpongeBob?
[to himself] Just ignore him, SpongeBob, if you can.
SpongeBob, over here!
[to himself] Whatever you do, don't look at him.
Psst, SpongeBob! [throws ball of paper] Psst, SpongeBob! [throws a book at SpongeBob] SpongeBob? [spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face] SpongeBob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important!
[covered in spitballs] What...?!
[timidly] Hi.
HIIIIIIIIII?!?! [growls, removing all the spitballs, then stops when he sees Mrs. Puff angry, covered in the spitballs]
Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.
In one day, I've gone from Good Noodle... to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I'd hate you, Patrick.
I'd hate you more!
I'd hate you no matter what!
Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.
I'd hate you even if that made sense!
I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I'd hate you!
I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you... [points to Roger's tank] even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out. [The camera quickly pans over to where SpongeBob is pointing. Quite suddenly, the light bulb flickers, and then burns out and the electricity crackles]
Huh?
[SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Roger for about 30 seconds, panting and trying to ignore one another for attention, but then Roger freezes and both begin to progressively whimper a little louder until they can't take it anymore.]
I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!!!!!!
I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE, AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS, AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED, AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS --
I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!!!
ME TOO, LET'S SAVE ROGER!!!
[Not realizing he's in Mrs. Puff's Boating Class] I thought this was Spanish class! See ya, SpongeBob! See ya, Big Fat Meanie!
S3Clams
I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where are we going, Fancy Springs?
No.
Pamper Island?
Try again.
Oh, oh, oh! Bikini Bottom Folk Village?
Better than that.
Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for stinky clams in a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?
Oh, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams, then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?
No.
Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward’s nose]
[The camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat as a loud rip is heard and Squidward screams loudly in pain, then walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose torn off.]
Okay, I've had enough.
[laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!
[Ominous orchestral music begins playing. Mr. Krabs' pupils shrink in shock]
Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Hurry, SpongeBob! The music’s getting faster. [opens the door] There you are, you stinking bilge rats. [darts to the trumpeters] STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! [to the conductor] STOP IT PLEASE! [to the violinists] I'm begging you! Come on, honey, you can make it! Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!
Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!
[holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner.
I trusted you. And you give me this?! I can't believe me old crew would betray me like this. [sobs]
No. Uh-uh. No. We will not be swayed by tears any more.
I see. Then, I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.
You're kidding.
Whoo! Is it another fishing trip?
No, it's this sandwich.
Squidward, he has lost something near, and dearer at him, haven’t you-
Look again.
[Laughs as he plays jumprope with his eyes]
You’re right. How do we get out of here?
If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, but then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]
[angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.
You're crazy. If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?
[dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]
Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line; Squidward screams] Get us out of here!
Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!
[The cabin doors strangely open by themselves to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow.]
Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?
Yes, why couldn't it have been you? [sobbing]
Why did he have to go like this, why? [crying]
Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot? [both sob loudly]
Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]
Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]
Wow, how did you get it back?
It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.
What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]
Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked]
S3The Great Snail Race
Good morning, pineapple! [plays the bugle to wake Gary up] Good morning, Gary! [pats Gary's shell]
Snelly's a purebred.
Wow, a snail made out of bread.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street; she stops and hears what SpongeBob said]
Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.
AAnnouncer
Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that two, folks.
Uhh, Gary?
[Gary's shell breaks, showing a machine inside]
AAnnouncer
: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.
[getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now!
[Gary is leaving skid marks on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's losing control!
[Gary is running into the walls, making a bunch of sparks]
You can take a break now if you want to, Gary!
[Gary is spinning on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall!
[Gary runs into a wall of tires and explodes. The crowd gasps again, then they cheer]
No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]
AAnnouncer
Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen.
[Snellie is coming up on the finish line]
Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!
[runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!?!
Meow.
You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!
Meow.
You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!
I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]
Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win?
[He, SpongeBob, and Patrick laugh. Suddenly, Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air. He and Patrick stop laughing]
[angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.