Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

[after he explodes himself from an accident] Oww...

Squidward

[after his front door falls on him] Oh-ho, my back.

Squidward

SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish FOR TWELVE HOURS!

Squidward

RRRRRRRGH....EIGHTEEN HOURS!!!!! [gets out of bed; grabs his shellphone] I'm gonna give SpongeBob a piece of my mind!

Squidward

Take it, SpongeBob! Take it, please! And promise me no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry... don't give that paper back to me, EVER!

Squidward

[runs, panics after having a dream that the Krusty Krab is on fire, stops running for a split second] Oh, what am I doing? I am wasting valuable relaxing time, that's what I'm doing! I mean, really. What are the odds? SpongeBob set the Krusty Krab on fire!

Squidward

Boy, I'm glad all that's over!

Squidward

SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you. And two: how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

Squidward

Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Squidward

Give me that! [to SpongeBob] When I die, you stay away from my funeral.

Squidward

[to SpongeBob, after quitting] You know, that reminds me. There's something I've been wanting to tell you from the day we first met - goodbye... Next time you'll see me, this town will be eating from the palm of my hands.

Squidward

[now broke, inside the cardboard box; holding a cup] Spare change? Spare change, ma'am?

Squidward

[shouts, runs out of the house after seeing the invisible SpongeBob & Patrick painting a mustache on his face] Ghosts!

Squidward

[after SpongeBob leaves on a bus] It was that easy? All those years? I've underestimated the power of public transportation.

Squidward

You dimwits haven't even been here two minutes and you've already messed up someone's topiary garden.

Squidward

You idiots think that's entertainment? Well, brace yourselves for some true entertainment.