SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
[comes out of the bathroom in tears] Crying my eyes out...!
Well, hurry up! I gotta cry, too!
Why, Squidward?
Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!
S5The Original Fry Cook
JJim
Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!
JJim
Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]
[watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.
[stops laughing] Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] Spongebob!
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.
JJim
What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!
But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
JJim
Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bowl sessions...
[Flashback to the day Jim left the Krusty Krab]
JJim
We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.
No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
JJim
What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]
JJim
Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?
Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.
JJim
Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
What now?
JJim
You know, lay a patch.
Excuse me?
JJim
Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!
A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.
JJim
Stop talking like that!
These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]
JJim
I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?
[Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically; Jim leaves in a huff]
My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!
[Flashback ends; Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]
[Squidward is outside still crying over his hair loss]
You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap.
Wow! I never thought about it that way!
S5Night Light
[reading a book] And slowly, ever so slowly, the ancient crypt door creeps open, and from the festering brine of the darkest darkness, crawled forth monsters of such vile nature, whose appearance was so hideous and threatening, that the author died trying to recount them in this novel! [gasps and closes the book] That story sure is scary. But it's only a story, right, Gary? [A terrified Gary quakes and falls on his side. SpongeBob picks him up and puts him into his bed next to him.] Why don't you sleep up here tonight, Gary?
S5Night Light
Oh, fiddlesticks SpongeBob, do you know how hard it is...in our advanced age...to move? Don't shine a giant light in the sky unless there's a real emergency.
S5Night Light
We're all alone, Patrick, no light, no shelter. [he and Patrick begin crying, then we hear a rooster crows as the sun rises up]
S5Rise and Shine
I've got to put on my teeth and brush my pants!
S5Waiting
Look, Patrick, Squidward fixed it. [both run over and hug Squidward] How can we ever thank you?
Yeah, how can we thank you? [giggles]
Move to another neighborhood.
S5Fungus Among Us
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
It's not me, Mr. Krabs!
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
Whoa! Me next!
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
Alright!
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
S5Spy Buddies
Good one, Patrick! [both laugh] There's just one thing I don't understand.
What's that, laddie?
That. [points to 2 Patricks laughing beside each other]
[Screen goes to black, ending the episode]
S5Boat Smarts
Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]
Hey, use your mirrors, fool!
Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]
Ah! I can't see! Oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] Aah! [sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.
S5Good Ol' Whatshisname
Good day, young sir! My name is--
[pops up from under Gus' hat] Gus!
He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.
[grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all these names, SpongeBob?
Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]
[grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob!
Hello, my name is Squidward. So, what's your name?
What Zit Tooya. ("What's it to ya?")
Uh, it's just that I was going to enter your name in our sweepstakes! So, what should I put down?
First and last name?
Sure.
Yeah, why don't you write this on your form: WHAT ZIT... TOOYA! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!
[While Officer Johnson and What Zit Tooya chase after Squidward]
Stop, thief!
You know that guy?
Hardly. He stole my wallet.
What?! That makes him a dual offender! Let's get him!
[crazily] His driver's license! [starts laughing] At last! At last and your name is "Mr. What Zit Tooya"? [sees his driver's license revealing his original name] What kind of ridiculous name is that?!
It's my ridiculous name! "WHAT ZIT TOOYA"!
[hits Squidward on the head with his baton as he falls down] That's enough of that ballyhoo. [handcuffs Squidward]
But I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.
Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and it takes off]
S5New Digs
SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]
[to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.