What has happened to this place? I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special, what is life worth living for? / The dream is dead, our land is gone There’s a hole in my heart and I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away! / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police, / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from? / Why can’t they leave this land alone?! / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)
S13 E14Pee
Just one last thing, you need to drink some pee.
What?!
You must drink about three cups of pee.
I am NOT, NOT drinking pee!
[after escaping from the pee-flooded waterpark]
Will somebody get me to a hospital, I need to get my stomach pumped!
Oh come on, it was just a little pee, Kyle.
GODDAMN IT, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee...is bananas!
[cocks his gun and aims it at Kyle] Eat the banana or we have to put you down!
S14 E1Sexual Healing
Recurring line: We have a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl.
Elin Nordegren: [recurring line] You motherfucker! I never should've married you!
S14 E2The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs
[Mr. Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]
Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Aw, a book? God, I hate those.
Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.
Oh, really? Sweet.
It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...
[excited] All right!
[Mr. Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]
And strong vulgar language...
[muffled] Awesome, dude!
And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!
Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...
No, no, come on let's read it now!
Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook
Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?
[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!
[The class groan in unison]
[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!
And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!
Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
[frustrated] God damn it!
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!
[commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!
[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
I know.
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
What?
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
[shocked] What?! Oh no!
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]
S14 E3Medicinal Fried Chicken
[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]
Oh, that is nice. That is NICE.
[running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
No! I mean your actual BALLS!
Do you want to do it?
Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?
Excellent.
Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?
I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.
You wouldn't do that.
Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.