Craig quotes from South Park

Jimmy

Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [chuckles with Token and Clyde; Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards them]

What are you talking about?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.

For what?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.

Butters

What the heck are you doing?!

Cartman

Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.

Butters

WHY DID YOU PUT CRAIG'S MOM'S BUSH ON THE INTERNET?!

[to the eight Asian girls in the school lobby as they're drawing; holding up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it] Uh, excuse me, why are you doing this?

Oh, hi, Craig. [speaking Korean to another Asian girl] He's wearing a different shirt today.

[also speaking Korean] How do you know what's underneath his jacket?

What? What did she say?

I don't know. That was Korean. I'm Japanese.

What is going on, huh?! Me and him aren't together! Why is this happening?!

Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.

Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?

What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.

But we aren't! I'm not!

I'm not either!

That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.

What's that?

If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.

Agh!

Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?

But I'm not gay!!

I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.

No!

You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!

[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?

Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

No, you may not!

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?

You got a fuckin' problem, man?! [shoves Tweek]

You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [shoves Craig in return]

I told you to stay 100 yards from me!

You better not fucking push me again, man!

I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig. I saw your text to Michael about hooking up with him!

Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.

Oh, it's not?!

No. Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.

Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?

Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.

[tearing up; voice cracks] No-ho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!

You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.

I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?!

This wasn't part of the plan!

Well, guess what, Craig?! Love doesn't follow a plan!

Butters

Yeah!

I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes.

Cartman

Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [He looks a shovel to a hole dug in ground] Check it out. There's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. [Inside the cabin, Cartman use the computer to show the password] Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side. What's the WiFi called? Is there a password? [Kyle closes the cabin door, and show the tools to bring the Cartman’s electronics] I don't see it. I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know. I think maybe the WiFi's not working. [He puts stuff on top] Where's the box? You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys? There's… no WiFi.

The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.

Cartman

[afraid] What are you… What are you guys talking about?

Stan

You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.

Cartman

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online.

Kyle

Just put your stuff on the table and step back.

Cartman

[panic] Please! Please don't break my stuff, you guys! This is like, two Christmas and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!

Token

Let's just get it over with.

Cartman

No, don't take over with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt! I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. We can still just play CounterStrike and forget everything. Oh, my God, there's no WiFi. We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play CounterStrike! It'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please you can't!

I can't listen to this.

Cartman

Please, Clyde! Clyde, you’re my friend! Please, you, you know how much I need my stuff!

Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman, then he goes to break stuff]

Cartman

No, please, if I can't get online, I won't have it… I… [Craig stabs Cartman’s laptop with his knife, screams] No, God! No! Don't!! Don't!! Don't!! Oh, my God!! [He knocked on the table and destroyed by the boys] Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! AAHH!!! NIAH!!! NIAAAH!!! AAHH!!! AAHH!!! NAAAHHHH!!! [Cartman passed out]

Stan

What have we done?

Kyle

What we had to do.

Oh, my god! What is that?! What is that?!

It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.

Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!

I'm trying to make you feel better!

Well, maybe I don't want to feel better right now!

Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.

Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time! I need you to... [yells] I don't know!

Tweek, honey. All week, you've been freaking out and I've been the one forced to deal with it.

You haven't been dealing with it! You've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out!

Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. They would lose the support of China, and that would be -

There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!

Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.

[screams] What?! Why would he say that?!

Tweek, calm down.

Tweek! What's going on?

What?! What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!

Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God! How does that make you feel?

I feel scared! I feel alone!

That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think!

It is! [jumps off the bed] It's terrible!

I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?

Like - Like I have no control over my life! Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.

Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped!

Yeah, like trapped but, like, completely unable to even move!

Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do?!

I don't know! It's-It's like maybe-maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.

That sounds so insurmountable, though. How would you even start?

I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [calms, turns to Craig and smiles] Thank you, Craig.

[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan

What's going on?

Tweek's having a panic attack.

It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle

Who did?

The President!

It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan

It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle

You saw the President?

Stan

Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi

"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token

"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan

Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman

Just like that movie IT.

You saw IT too?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token

I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!