Sheila quotes from South Park

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila

Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all be besties again.

You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila

Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle

I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?

Sheila

How are you going to do this?

Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?

Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!

Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.

There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!

Spoken like a true redneck.

Oh, fuck you!

Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]

I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.

The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!

Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.

I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.

And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.

I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.

That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.

What new teachers?

[limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]

And you say you've never had a mustache before?

No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!

Sheila

How could this happen, Doctor?

Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?

No! I mean… I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.

Oh, no, no, no. That…that's totally fine.

Doctor, you better come to the emergency room!

[shocked] Holy shit!

Sheila

Are you implying that Jews in America have some kind of obligation to do something about it?!

Whoa, whoa!

Sheila

You wanna vilify my faith, is that it?!

Sheila, it's okay.

Sheila

It's not Jews vs. Palestine, it's Israel vs. Palestine!

Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

Sheila

And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, YOU'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! [walks away, leaving]

Sheila

[ranting in frustration] Everywhere I went today, it was the same thing! What are you going to do about Gaza?! Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel. Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?! [to Gerald] Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?

No, for some reason, they were just asking what you think about it.

Sheila

You see?! It's just pure antisemitism! I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on Hamas! [Ike secretly pulls out his phone, opens up the poll in the market app, and bets $2] And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non-Jews know nothing about! Well, if they all think we should do something… [in unison] then you better believe I'll do something!

Kyle

[whispering in protest; in unison] You… stop! [out of unison] You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay low for a little bit.

Sheila

There! Now my son is complacent. This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it anymore! [gets up from the table and heads to the front door]

Kyle

[hops off his seat and follows her] Ma, please. Don't make things any worse.

Sheila

Worse?! How can it be any worse?! [takes her bag off the coat rack and opens the door] I'm going to find out where all this is coming from, and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! [closes the door and leaves]

Kyle

No, Ma!