Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Kyle

I'm not going anywhere.

Stan

Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!

Kyle

Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.

Stan

Oh wait, who am I again?

Kyle

You're Stan.

Stan

Look, you guys! That line isn't long!

Kyle

Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!

Cartman

Kenny's a random slut!

Cartman

[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.

Kyle

[in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!

Cartman

[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?

Kyle

Hohohooho! Oowwww!

Cartman

YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]

Stan

Come on, dude!

Kyle

OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!!

Cartman

[arriving] What the hell are you doing?!

Stan

Aw, crap.

Kyle

OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! [falls off, but outside the park]

Stan

Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]

Kyle

[now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!!

Stan

Alright, let's go.

Cartman

[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!

Stan

You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!

Kyle

My life can't get any worse!

Stan

You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]

Cartman

If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Stan

Dude, are you okay?

Kyle

[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan

Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.

Sheila

I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.

Stan

Jesus.

Kyle

But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.

Sheila

Kyle, don't say such things!

Kyle

Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?

Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-

Kyle

No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!

Stan

Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?

Kyle

Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Stan

...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—

Kyle

(in tears) Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow!...

Stan

Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?

Welcome to Cartmanland.

Sheila

Isn't he getting any better, doctor?

I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]

And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.

[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.

And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.

Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.

I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.

No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.

[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]

Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.

Kyle

Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]

Sheila

[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!

Stan

[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.

Kyle

[as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!

Stan

That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]

Kyle

AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Stan

Scream for me, bitch!

Kyle

AH!

Whoa, awesome!

Can I help you boys?

Stan

Yeah, we need condoms!

Condoms...

Kyle

Yeah, quick!

...How old are you boys?

Stan

Why does that matter?

Butters

I'll be 9 next week!

Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle

Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

I just don't think kids your age should--

Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

But...they're children!

Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman

Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan

Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters

50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

No, you have to change them.

Kyle

Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

Stan

Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters

Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]

Kyle

What are studses?

Butters

Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman

Just put it on, Butters.

Butters

How come I got to go first?

Cartman

Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters

Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle

It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters

I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan

Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!

Cartman

I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle

Sure...

Butters

But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters

[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan

How do you feel?

Butters

...Pretty good.

Cartman

Do you feel protected?

Butters

Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan

All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.

TIMMEH!

[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!

Bebe

Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!

Stan

Ha! They're your diseases!

Kyle

Yeah! You get out of town!

Cartman

Here, talk to them, Butters.

Butters

[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?

Cartman

Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.

Butters

[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

Kyle

[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.

Cartman

I told you, jawas have no heart.

Kyle

Jawas?

Cartman

You know, sand people.

Kyle

You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women!

It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's.

Stan

[to Kyle] He's got us there, dude.

Kyle

Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it?

Cartman

Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.

Stan

Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Take off your hat, please?

Kyle

But I never take off my hat.

Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural.

Kyle

This is how I look natural.

Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.

Cartman

Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Kyle

Cartman!