[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
Kyle[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
The principal? Aw, come on!
Kyle
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Kyle
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Kyle
Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
Kyle
Kenny's sick?
CChef
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Kyle
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.
We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
Kyle
22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
...and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
Kyle
No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
Kyle
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
[silence]
Kyle
You don't even know Heather!
I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot]
OMOld Man
The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
[in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
What the hell are you guys doing?
Kyle
C'mon, we got to go.
We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.
Kyle
'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.
Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!
Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!
Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!
Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
Kyle
What?!
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle
Screw you, Cartman!
Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kyle
No!
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
Kyle
Have Butters kiss it.
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]
Kyle
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
[laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!
Kyle
Sick! I felt it on my face!
Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!
Well, I'm not going with you!
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
[When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
Kyle
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
Kyle
Whoa, dude.
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Thank God we stopped it in time.
Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Aw, we're still grounded?
Kyle
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
Kyle
Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle
Uh, why not?!
Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
[glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!
No, I really don't have a babysitter.
The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Kyle
Lame.
Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle
But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
AAnnouncer
Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
AAnnouncer
All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.
AAnnouncer
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
Kyle
No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Kyle
But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.
So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
But it's a cool island song.
Kyle
Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
GLGeorge Lucas
ALL RIGHT, that does it!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
