Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Stan

Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

Kyle

I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here!

Are you all right, Stuart?

Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!

[to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?

Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.

Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle

Dude, you have sex with children!

We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!

Kyle

[slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!

Stan

Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.

Kyle

Seriously!

Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!

Kyle

Well, Cartman?

Cartman

Well what?

Kyle

Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?

Yeah!

Cartman

[half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.

Stan

And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?

Cartman

No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.

Hello, Chef.

(sternly) My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.

Stan

Islam?

From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.

(continuing) With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name.

Stan

Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.

(outraged, slams his hands down on the counter) You WHAT?! You don't think they should change the flag?!

Kyle

Not really.

Stan

Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.

(angry) Well, that figures you don't, because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!

Stan

(taken aback) But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about-

(throws down a ladle in anger) But NOTHING! "But" my ass! Fix your own damn food!

Cartman

You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.

Stan

Boy band?

Cartman

Boy band.

Kyle

I'm not joining any faggy boy band.

Cartman

There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!

[drawing a gun] Well, that does it!

Kyle

Hey, what are you doing?

I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]

Kyle

Oh, okay. hello.

Stan

That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!

What?

Stan

Can I do it?

Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]

Stan

Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!

Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.

Stan

Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.

Kyle

Yeah, that would be faster.

Stan

He's right there.

I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.

Oh.

What are you doing, Kyle?

Kyle

I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.

Kyle

[angrily] Screw you, fat boy.

Hey, screw you!

Kyle

How much?

Fifty bucks.

Kyle

But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!

I know! Now I gotta find something else to shoot.

Stan

[after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! ...sort of.

Kyle

Yeah, they killed Kenny! ...'s look-alike. You bastards!

Kyle

Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.

Stan

Did you like the old one?

Kyle

Good point.

Kyle

It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!

Stan

Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.

Kyle

They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!

Cartman

Well, you could make them go away for a while.

Kyle

How?!

Cartman

Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.

Stan

The police?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.

Kyle

What's that?

Cartman

I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle

[awed] Wow! Three months without parents!

Kenny

(Wow, that is awesome!)

Stan

But what do the police do to them?

Kyle

Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.

Kyle

What's "bad touch"?

Cartman

Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch".

Kyle

Okay, molestered, bad touch.

Cartman

Yeah, And cry. [Kyle lets out a soft cry] Oh, he's ready.

Cartman

Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Kyle

There's no sand in my vagina!

Stan

But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it.

Kyle

I don't really give a fuck.

Cartman

[urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!

Kyle

Cartman, this is serious!

Cartman

So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.

Stan

Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.

Butters

I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.

Kyle

You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

Stan

Who are you?

Kyle

I'm Kyle.

Cartman

He-he, guess who I am, guys?