Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Kyle

Shh. Don't scare him.

Stan

Hey, there, little guy.

Cartman

BAD. [hits the Underpants Gnome with a stick]

Kyle

Cartman!

Cartman

What?!

Kyle

Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?

Cartman

Well look at him. He's all... look at him. [hits the Gnome with the stick again]

Is that all you got, pussy?

Cartman

What?!

Stan

Hey, he talked!

Kyle

[about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!

Stan

His name is Gorak!

My name is Larry.

Cartman

What if you don't have any rhythm?

Miss Stevens

Excuse me?

Cartman

Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle

SHUT UP, FAT ASS!

Stan

Choirs suck!

[thunders angrily] KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh; to Miss Stevens] Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman

Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]

ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

I know.

Why can't you behave?

..I don't know.

What do you have to say for yourself? [silent pause] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?!

[lowering his middle finger] No.

Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig sticks up his right middle finger again] There! You just flipped me off again!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle

Hey, Craig.

Cartman

Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Stan

Ah! A snake!

Kyle

No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan

Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle

No, dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan

Ahhhhhh!

Miss Stevens

Stan, what is it?

Stan

Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]

Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman

He's a little wuss, what's it look like?

Stan

I'm just scared of snakes.

Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.

Miss Stevens

Oh, my God!

Cartman

Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, alright.

Miss Stevens

Jesus Christ! Is he dead?

Stan

Dude!

Kyle

My guess would be yes.

Miss Stevens

Oh, no! God, no! Now, don't panic, children...

Cartman

[hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]

Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.

Kenny

Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]

Lenny! No!

Stan

Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle

You bastards!

What? Who killed him?

Stan

Uh, they did.

Who's "they"?

Stan

You know, they.

Kyle

They're, they're bastards.

Well, don't just stand there, help him.

Kyle

Help him?

Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]

Kyle

[shocked] Whoa, dude!

Kyle

I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.

What?

Kenny

(muffled speech)

Cartman

Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?

Cartman

Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--

Stan

Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle

You bastards!

Cartman

What the hell happened to him?

Stan

He just...ignited.

Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan

The what?

It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle

Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

Cartman

I'm going to be Jesus!

Kyle

You're too fat to be Jesus!

Cartman

Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!

Kyle

Stan should be Jesus.

Cartman

Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kyle

You're such a fat baby!

Cartman

Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.

Kyle

All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!

Cartman

Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

Stan

Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.

Chef?

Kyle

He's a big guy with a beard.

Stan

And a chef's hat.

Kenny

And a real huge dick.

Oh, the black guy.

Stan

huh?

Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan

You're Chef's parents?

Yes, all his life.

Kyle

[in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Well, he should be out now directly.

He's so excited about the wedding now.

Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan

No, that's okay.

Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.

We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"

It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Oh, it was so scary!

...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

Kyle

What's tree-fiddy?

Three dollars and fifty cents.

Tree-fiddy.

Stan

He wanted money?

That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fiddy, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

I gave him a dollar.

She gave him a dollar.

I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Don't screw around!

Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!

Stan

Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle

You bastards!

You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle

Isn't that fascism?

No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle

Do you?