Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Kyle

He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?

No cake for the impurity!

Cartman

Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle

Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.

Cartman

That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan

Christmas?

Cartman

...Christmastime is presents for me.

Stan

[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!

Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.

I'm sorry, hon.

[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.

Stan

Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]

Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]

Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle

He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

God damn it, Mom!

Stan

OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.

Kyle

Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Kyle.

Kyle

[hops back] Aah!

Cartman

[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle

Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan

[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan

How do we split up?

I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

OK!

Kyle

[joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Kyle

You got my note?

Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?

Kyle

Can we sit down?

Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.

Kyle

Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?

I have looked at it.

Kyle

Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.

How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

Kyle

From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.

What else would one do?

Kyle

Love, for one thing.

And what is love?

Kyle

Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.

What means this kiss?

Kyle

When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.

Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.

Kyle

Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.

You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?

Kyle

I'm not completely sure.

Perhaps we should look it up.

Kyle

No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]

Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]

Kyle

Does that mean you'll go to the dance?

You bet your sweet ass I will.

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!

Cartman

Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?

We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.

Kyle

Isn't that totally confusing?

No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!

Yes?

See!

Kyle

Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.

[slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.

Cartman

[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle

Dad? [Cartman stops]

Courtney Cox,

Kyle

Dad.

I- huh? [stops singing]

Kyle

We're singing about a dreidel.

[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.

Sheila

We'll talk about this later, Gerald!

Oh, hello, son.

Kyle

Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?

What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Kyle

Oh my God! You did lie to me!

No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.

Kyle

Peter Pan, too?

Kyle--

Kyle

What about Moses and Abraham?

Well, they were probably real.

Kyle

Probably? Is Atlantis real?

Probably not.

Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.

Kyle

Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! [leaves and sobs some more]

Cartman

Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.

Kyle

What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?

Cartman

No, man, that's just a TV show.

Stan

[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!

Cartman

What? That your parents lied to you, too?

Stan

Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!

Cartman

How?

Stan

Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?

Kyle

All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.

Stan

So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!

Kenny

(Woohoo!)

Stan

The kid will never even know.

Cartman

Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!

Kyle

Oh my God, what if I'm not real?

Stan

We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!

Cartman

Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]

Kyle

I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?

Stan

[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]

Kyle

What if this is all just somebody's dream?

Kyle

All right, let's go.

Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]

Kenny

[howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!

Cartman

[laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!

Kyle

But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Cartman

[long pause] Tits.

Kyle

There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.

Cartman

A what?

Kyle

[softly] An ailnay ilefay.

Cartman

What's that?

Kyle

Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!

Stan

Yeah, you stupid umbassday!

Cartman

I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.

Kyle

They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay were otallytay ewedscray!

Stan

[a brief pause] Yeah.