Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Cartman

[sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny in the cafeteria around lunchtime] You guys! You guys! [pulls out his phone] Have you checked the betting app lately?

Stan

No.

Cartman

Ever since Kyle got all pissed off, the odds are going up on his mom attacking Gaza.

Stan

No way.

Cartman

Yeah, check it out! Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it, we gotta get in on this, guys!

Stan

Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.

Cartman

Yes, exactly! [lowers his voice] We know that. And we can also influence Kyle to get the odds raised even more. It's called a conflict of interest, you guys, it's a way to make free money.

Stan

Isn't that illegal?

Cartman

Yes! All we have to do is make sure Kyle stays angry, and at the same time, go talk antisemitic shit about his mom to goose the odds up even more.

Kyle

[walks up to the table and sits down next to Stan] What are you guys talking about?

Cartman

[puts his phone away] Nothin'. Just talking about how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.

Kyle

You think it's messed up?

Cartman

Yes, I do, Kyle. Why would an app allow a bet like that to exist? It's obvious rage bait.

Kyle

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!

Stan

Dude, you might just wanna let it go.

Cartman

See? "Just let it go." That's how people want you to deal with a crisis that they don't even understand.

Kyle

[pointing at Stan; angrily] Yes! [then pointing at Cartman] Thank you.

Cartman

You can't give up, Kyle. It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom. And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will? [walks down the school hallway] Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom? [all the students look at him] Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you. Well I don't know, I would just hate to be a Palestinian hospital, that's all I can say. Well, anyways, good to talk to you guys. [walks away] Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about my friend Kyle's mom?

How was school today, bud?

Stan

It was fine.

Look, Stan, I know it's been hard for you the past month without us having a home (and having a roof over our heads).

Stan

Yeah, it sucks.

I've tried to find work but there's just not a lot out there. And with the Government shutdown, I can't get my job back with the U.S.G.S. Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.

Stan

I don't miss Tegridy, Dad. I just hate that our family is living in a Motel. It's really embarrassing.

Well, that's what I need to tell you, Stan. There's some good news: We're moving out of the motel.

Stan

Wait, really? We can live in a house again?!

Well, no, we can't afford to live in a house, so, we're moving in with your Grandpa.

Stan

Moving in with Grandpa?!

This is a bunch of bullcrap! First, you all stick me in this place, and then you all come along?!

Pretty nice, huh, guys? There's a TV, a microwave, and we have Bingo on Thursdays!

Stan

There has to be somewhere else we can live.

Come on, Stan, you have that place over there by Grandpa's shit pan.

Stan

You can't make me stay here, this is completely inhumane!

That's what I said. Didn't work.

You like that hot shit in your Jew mouth?

Stan

I mean, you got to admit it's pretty impressive. It looks really real.

Kyle

It's not impressive! It's fucked up! How is this even legal?!

Butters

Nothing's sacred, Kyle. All you can do is fight fire with fire.

Kyle

Well, then, let's see how Red likes it when we make one of her and Bluey!

Stan

[off-screen] The past few months have just been... really awful. There were these ICE raids and my dad's company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa. [cut to him in the counselor's office] It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.

[tuning an electric guitar; disinterested] Uh-huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?

Stan

Well, Jesus, it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I'm thinking of sharing it. 'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas miracle?

Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.

Stan

Jesus, I don't wanna live in an old folks home anymore, okay?! Now, I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some god damn Christmas magic!

Stan

[enters the restroom, reluctantly goes to the toilet, and looks down at the bowl] I don't know if you can hear me, but I've been kinda wishing for a Christmas miracle. If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now?

Yay!

Look, guys! It's Stanny!

Stanny!

Stan

[turns around; horrified] Oh, no!

Did you miss us, Stan?

Stan

OH, NO! [quickly runs out of the restroom]

Stan

[angrily] What do you guys want?!

Well, didn't you hear, Stan? Satan's gonna give birth to the Anti-Christ!

Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby and there's gonna be a big crap out!

And nobody loves a crap out more than us!

Stan

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, this doesn't make any sense! You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head!

[looking at each other] Uhh, are you really gonna over-analyze a crap out?

No way, crap outs have no rules!

Alright, y'all. Stan was just here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.

Stan

I didn't wish for that! I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby or crap outs!

But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan. And this crap out's gonna make everything better!

Stan

[thinking about it] It is? Are you sure?

Of course! Crap outs are the best!

Come on, let's get to it!

Stan

Okay, hold on a second. You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.?

Yeah, he was! And now he's about to be here!

Stan

But how can you know that?

Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny. Will you just get on board with the crap out already?

Don't worry, Stanny. Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the antichrist from comin'!

Except, of course, for Peter Thiel.

P-P-P-Peter Thiel?

Stan

Wait, you mean the "6-7" guy?

You know Peter Thiel?

Stan

Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.

He's here?!

What are you gonna do, Stanny?

Are you gonna kill him and eat him?

Stan

Alright, look. If I'm gonna get on board with something, I need it to make a little bit of sense.

Well, okay, Susan Sontag. We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.

[giving out Christmas letters to all the elders] Christmas letters from home. Here you go. Some Christmas joy from your loved ones. There you go. [approaches Stan] Hey, there's one for you today. [gives him a letter]

[voice-over] "Dear Stan, I'm writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle, and I didn't listen. So now, go to this address."

Stan

No way! [exits the retirement home and walks down the streets; he arrives at his old residence being decorated with Christmas lights saying: "Merry Christmas Stan", and notices the letter came with a key; runs into the house, seeing the old interior and his old bedroom, smiling with joy; then exits the house and gazes up at the night sky] Thank you. Thank you!

[in a constellation appearance] I'll be here Stan, watching over everybody. Be good, and remember, never give up on the things that you commit to.

[in a constellation appearance] He's so great, isn't he? Merry Christmas everyone! Let's all have the happiest holidays! [singing] A Christian woman knows her place So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ Come on, seniors, sing along~