CartmanMy weenies won't cook.
Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.
Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!
Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!
[Ned accidentally tips the gas can over, creating a fire trail that leads to Jimbo's van, blowing it up]
God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?
Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!
Cartman [roasting a hot dog over Ned's flaming body]: Hey, guys. This works pretty good right nyah.
Cartman
Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
Cartman
Your sister beat you up again, huh?
Cartman
[Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!
She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.
Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
Cartman
I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
Cartman
Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."
[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
CChef
Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
[The pig is heard squealing loudly]
Cartman
Fluffy!
CChef
Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.
Cartman
If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"
Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?
Cartman
I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
Cartman
I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
GGrampa
Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman (shocked): What?
GGrampa
And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
Cartman
Hey!
GGrampa
Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.
Cartman
You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
GGrampa
That's the spirit, Tubby!
[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Cartman
That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Cartman
Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
Cartman
[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
HMr. Hat
Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
[silence]
You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
[Kenny walks in]
Kenny, why are you late to class?
[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
I thought you just came from the bathroom.
(I did, I gotta go again...)
[Kenny goes in the restroom]
Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
Aw man, I feel like a total choad.
Cartman
Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.
CChef
Hello there, Children!
Cartman
Hey, Chef!
CChef
[after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a Klansman] Aah!
Cartman
Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?
Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".
Cartman
Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.
Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Cartman
Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?
Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!
[Stan crumples up the invitation and throws it away.]
Cartman
Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.
Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
Cartman
(Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
DDamien
I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
[Cartman farts beside him.]
Cartman
Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!
[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]
Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!
Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
[Damien walks away from them.]
Good day, how are you, Damien?
DDamien
Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
[Cartman opens his birthday presents]
Cartman
Oh, look what Kyle got me. It's a Red Mega- [Opens the gift revealing a game called "Ants in the Pants"] Ants in the Pants? Ants in the P- ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman
You son of a bitch! [Tackles Kyle] You were supposed to get me the Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man! You dirty cheap-ass piece of crap!
They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman
I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIEEEE! That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home!
[Cartman walks over to a large switch and flips it, literally shutting the party down. Everyone begins to clear out.]
Cartman
GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! AND PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!
Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out.
Cartman
Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you! [Throws Ants in the Pants at Kyle]
[A moment later, after everyone has left the party]
DDamien
Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
Ah, he does this all the time.
Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
How about the dreidel song, boobie?
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
[singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...
Cartman
What the hell is Christmas poo?!
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.
Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!
Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?
The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman
Thanks to Kyle's mother.
So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Cartman
How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?
I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
The boys are waiting in line at the cafeteria
[to Stan] Dude, I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
No, you're not; I don't think I missed any!
Wendy and Bebe walk up to the boys
[not paying attention to Wendy] I bet I scored a hundred!
I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen!
Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Cartman
Nuh-uh!
It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Cartman
Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing.
Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Wendy.
NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAAAAK!
The entire cafeteria goes silent and everyone is astonished. After a short while, a mortified Wendy quietly walks away with Bebe in tow.
Cartman
Hey, man, somebody's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.
Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.
Cartman
Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
