CCartman
Mom, can I ask you a question?
CCartman
You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
CCartman
And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
[long pause]
Well, what's your question, Hun?
CCartman
Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
CCartman
I want to know where I came from.
Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
CCartman
So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
DDoctor
Well, this is about all I can do for him.
CartmanCan't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
DDoctor
Sorry, son, it might be a while.
Cartman
[bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around] Wake up, you son of a bitch!
Cartman
For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Cartman
Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman
God damn it!!
Cartman
I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?
Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
Cartman
Step out of the car, please, sir.
Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman
Sir, step out of the car, please.
Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman
Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!
Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
Cartman
Get your ass to jail!
Ow! Hey, what the heck're you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
Cartman
Sweet.
SDr. Schwartz
His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.
[horrified] No. No, it's not possible.
SDr. Schwartz
We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.
Cartman
Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!
Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
Cartman
[mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
Cartman
What?
It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman
I know that!
Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman
[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Cartman
Der yourself, hippie!
Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman
I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
Cartman
Screw you guys...
BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
Cartman
What?
Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman
[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman
Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
CMs. Crabtree
[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Dude, the road is always snowy.
I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman
[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Oh, she would, dude. She would.
[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman
[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]
CChef
Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya.[hangs up, goes back to singing] 🎵 Simultaneous, you and me! 🎵
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman
Wow!
How's that going to help?
[The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
Cartman
Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Cartman
[his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
