The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
CartmanI'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Cartman
Lame, yes.
Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
Can I have some tea, please?
Cartman
You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
Cartman
[explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman
Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
AAnnouncer
Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
AAnnouncer
All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.
AAnnouncer
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Cartman
Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
Cartman
Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman
No, he has an icy heart.
But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.
So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
Cartman
But it's a cool island song.
Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman
Oh, do we wanna do that?
GLGeorge Lucas
ALL RIGHT, that does it!
[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
[from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
SSpielberg
The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!
[leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
SSpielberg
Your persistence surprises even me.
CCoppola
Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman
Wow!
Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
Cartman
Ey!
Cartman
[the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
Me?! But I've been here from the beginning!
Cartman
And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
Cartman
[whining] Please?
Cartman
All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
No way, dude, Tweak's cool.
Cartman
Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
[Hard cut to the next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
[Cartman approaches the group.]
Cartman
[furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.
It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
MMrs. Marsh
Right, do what you would normally do.
[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
Cartman
[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
Cartman
I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
Maybe you've got brain cancer.
Cartman
You think?!
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.
[during flashback]
Cartman
[singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto
He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride
'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside
In the ghetto, in the ghetto
Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman
What did you say?
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman
What did you say?!
[after flashback]
Cartman
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
Cartman
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Well then... then let me go with you.
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
No, we have to return it! [all leave]
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
K1Kid 1
I shall put a magic spell on you!
K2Kid 2
I blocked your spell, wizard.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
K1Kid 1
We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
Cartman
HA!!! FAGS!!!
I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Cartman
[whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
