Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?

Cartman

No, it was Kenny!

Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!

Cartman

I'll take three lunches today, please.

You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!

Cartman

It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.

Cartman

Tolerance kicks ass!

That's our Cartman.

Cartman

Hey, guys! How's it going?

Cartman?

Stan

No, that's Kenny.

Cartman

What the hell are you assholes doing here?

Stan

That's Cartman.

Weak!

Cartman

[laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.

Cartman

Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!

Right on!

Cartman

Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!

No! Wait!

Ah, goddamn it!

Cartman

Isn't there anything I can do?!

If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.

Cartman

Jesus Christ!

Kyle

Are you okay?

Cartman

Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.

Well, doctor?

I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....

Stan

You alright?

Cartman

You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.

Cartman

Oh yeah, that's right.

Toilet paper, toilet paper...

Kyle

You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?

Cartman

No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.

Kyle

Oh...ewww!

Kyle

Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman

I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]

Kyle

Cartman!

Cartman

Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]

Kyle

You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!

Cartman

[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]

Stan

Cartman, what're you doing?

Cartman

I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.

Stan

You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.

Cartman

Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.

Kyle

I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?

Stan

Yes, dude!

Cartman

[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]

Kyle

[smacks Cartman] Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!

Cartman

Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!

Stan

[pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!

Cartman

Maaaa. M-maaaa.

Kyle

[annoyed] Shut up and study!

Cartman

Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!

Kyle

[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!

Cartman

[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Stan and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]

HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle

God damn it!

Cartman

[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!

Kyle

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

Cartman

OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!

Kyle

YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!

Cartman

OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-

Kyle

SHUT UP!!!

Stan

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!

Stan

Cartman? Hello?

Cartman

Ah, Stan, Kenny, you're just in time.

Stan

[shocked] Dude, what are you doing?

Cartman

I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!

Kenny

(That's a great idea!)

Stan

Hold on. How are you supposed to have an flashback, when you're about to commit suicide?

Cartman

I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!

Stan

Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.

Cartman

Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]

Your Tivo is full.

Cartman

Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. Stan spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]

Stan

Cartman? [no response] Cartman? Oh crap.....

Cartman

Mom!

What is it, sweetie?

Cartman

Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

Oooh, looks like the tooth fairy was extra happy with you!

Ben! You bought me roses!

Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.

I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!

I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.

I know, my darling, that's okay!