Family Guy · Season 3
[after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
What? What?!
[holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
[takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!
[at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.
[flashback to said interview]
Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
[internally] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doing' your wife... [aloud] Doin' your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?
[the employer stares at Peter in confusion]
[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
Oh, my God!
He's violating Seabreeze!
Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
[Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]
Alright, guys, we're playin' Texas Hold'em.
Are aces high or low?
They go both ways.
Hah, [to Michael Eisner] He said, "They go both ways".
[all except Ted laugh]
Like a bisexual.
Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
What the hell does "rant" mean?
[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
Hey Chris, what you doing?
Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-haters be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.
Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
We now return to Touched By An Angel.
[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
[shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
[points at the doll's crotch] Here.
Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freaking halo!
[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
But, Mr. Griffin,...
Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
[on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
I'm handicapped now!
[Tom pauses the tape]
Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
Oh, come on!
[runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
That's you driving the car.
Well, there's your hook!
Get out.
Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!
Stewie, go to sleep.
This doesn't involve you, Lois!
Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
"Don we now our gay apparel."
[puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
[laughs] Rump.
This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
Damn it all!
SHH!
Sorry! Sorry.
[the swallow squawks loudly]
Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
Take it outside, pal!
Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
[jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
I'll make you an endangered species!
Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.
[about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
Hey!
Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
Boobies!
Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Boobies!
Did you hear me, young man?
I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
Boobies!
Peter?
Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Elephants are bigger in person!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
