Family Guy · Season 3
Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
Sure.
And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
[Flashback. Stewie, who has a round head, is jumping on Peter and Lois' bed. Brian enters.]
Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
Shut up. You're not my mother.
[He hits his head on the ceiling, which knocks it into the familiar lemon shape.]
Good God, are you alright?
Fine. Why do you ask?
[encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
It's a fake. It's not real.
I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Oh, my...
Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
I see...
What in God's name were you trying to prove?
I was trying to gain superpowers.
Well, that's just silly.
Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
[dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
Lois, no one needs glasses.
You wear glasses.
That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
