I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.
Hey! We have fun.
S13Our Idiot Brian
Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, enter Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. [Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes four seconds later] I was raped by a bug.
S13This Little Piggy
[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]
Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.
What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?
How about I take the head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes?
Okay, you can have those.
You just gave away the store mister.
All right. See you later.
Where are you off to?
Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.
[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]
[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.
Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your ears off?
It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. [Collapses]
S13Quagmire's Mom
JJudge
I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!
[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]
FVFemale Voice
Oh no you don't!
[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]
Mom?
AMAll the men in the courtroom, except for the main characters
Crystal?
Hah! She's enjoyed many men.
Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
Jeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?
[Cutaway to Peter taking Meg to a "field trip" by walking her to a field, who has the Blindfold on.]
[takes off the Blindfold] Ok, here's a field. Goodbye forever! [Gets into the car and attempts to drive off without her only to end up driving RIGHT into the tree.] AAAHHH!!! MEG! I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! [Car explodes and bursts into flames.] MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH, GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO GOOD PEOPLE!?
S13Encyclopedia Griffin
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...
It's made of Skittles! Do you want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Yeah, I'd like that.
S13Stewie Is Enceinte
Now, what are the ingredients of a viral internet video?
Cats.
Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?
You mean that frog?
What?
The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.
[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys looks on]
[filming on his phone] Bingo.
[with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.
S13Dr. C and the Women
[Peter takes Lois golfing]
So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?
No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
But you hit it into the water.
[exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.
But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?
[enraged] BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]
Look! It went further than your ball!
TTSA Agent
There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.
What? What does that even mean?
TTSA Agent
It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend.
You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.
S13JOLO
Peter, be careful up there.
[Peter flips Joe the bird]
Is this being careful enough, Joe?
[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]
[to Quagmire and Cleveland] Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this!
S13Once Bitten
TATV Announcer
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
IJIndiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
SSnake
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Brian, are you feeling all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Oh, my God!
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Peter, you got to take him now!
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.