I got a promotion at Blockbuster!
[everyone claps like in the theme song of Friends]
Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.
I know, right? Do you know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is new gear!
S18Peter & Lois' Wedding
S18Heart Burn
Dad and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that a 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Mom. Don't "like" that!
[Romeo takes poison and collapses]
LALois, as Juliet
Romeo? Romeo? Oh, wherefore?
PAPeter, as Romeo
Stupid...
JJuliet
I don't understand. We had a plan! Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?! Maybe there's still poison on your lips. [kisses Romeo] Mm.. alas... just CostCo hotdog... Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead. And on top of that, WNBA season is over, and it's still two months till figure skating starts!
[Juliet stabs herself]
S18Shanksgiving
We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.
I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.
Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.
That's not so bad.
Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.
I can do that.
And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
[cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]
Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
[Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]
Wendell.
WWendell
Joseph.
It's just Joe, I think you know that.
S18Christmas is Coming
[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "little mermaid Moana".
(Meg discovers that Peter is working as a mall Santa)
Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
No.
Meg (relieved): Oh, thank God!
Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?
S18Connie's Celica
Your mother's right, Chris. You don't wanna miss this up, like Skee-Lo messed up his wishes.
[cutaway to Peter watching Skee-Lo making his wishes to a genie]
SLSkee-Lo
Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.
[The genie grants Skee-Lo's wishes by making him slightly taller, making a basketball appear in his hands, and making a magician's hat containing a rabbit holding a baseball bat appear on the ground]
[exasperated] Skee-Lo!
SLSkee-Lo
What?
You need money!
[Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Meg gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]
So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.
Ahhh, there we go.
(bleeps) Dad.
S18Short Cuts
Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
It's they.
Good for they.
How did you know what he was doing?
I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.
S18Undergrounded
[Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!
I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!
Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
What?
S18Rich Old Stewie
I kind of wasted my life except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.
What?
CPChris' Penis
Who's out there?
Settle down. I just got some company.
CPChris' Penis
Well, aren't you going to introduce me?
I'm getting to that. If you'll give me a second.
CPChris' Penis
I wanna have a look at them.
Hey, numbskull. That's how we got in trouble the last time.
[a hot shirtless guy walks into the room]
SSShape-Shifting Valet
Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
SSShape-Shifting Valet
Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.
Yeah, but you're already this so.
S18The Movement
[Peter calls Meg into his baseball player office]
Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.
What's up?
[sigh] This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it?
Oh my God. Are you trading me?
Looks, it's nothing personal. You've been very professional as a family member but ... here's the thing. We're sending you down to American Dad!.
No! What? No!
Well, they're not excited about it either. I guess I could call The Orville.
[sigh] I'll do American Dad!.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.