Everybody Hates Chris quotes

[narrating] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late-- I thought it was gonna be the bomb. Boy, was I wrong.

CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! [under her breath] Disgusting!

View quote →

We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

[narrating] One time I just got ice.

View quote →

[last lines of episode]

[narrating] My dad always checked on us in between jobs: His night job, and his late-at-night job.

Dad?

Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.

I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.

That was 89¢ worth of chicken. What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?

I was still hungry.

Now I'm still hungry. [sits on Chris' bed] Look. Next time, eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?

Okay.

[pulls out cash] Here. [pulls cash from Chris before his can get it] Now, don't go pullin' this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. [gives cash to Chris] Don't tell you mother about this. Everything okay at school?

[narrating] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights Era. After hoses, tanks, and a dog bites on your ass, somehow, Joey Caruso didn't compare.

Yep, it was alright.

Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

[narrating] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." I was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning." meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."

Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

[Chris begrudgingly decides to unplug his clock.]

[offscreen; angrily] What the Hell happened to my towel?! [Chris' eyes widen in shock, as if thinking "I'm busted!", as the screen freeze-frames and fades to black, ending the episode as "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang plays in the background]

View quote →

[narrating] I felt better than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor.

View quote →

If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.

[narrating] Now, that was mean. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

View quote →

[narrating] At that moment, I discovered one of life's greatest secrets -- black guy, plus basketball, equals white girl.

View quote →

Baby, just try it, okay?

TTanya

But I don't like it.

You're going to eat this sausage, do you hear me?! Girl, do you think I'm playin' with you?!

Oh, no! No! Rochelle! No! Rochelle! Rochelle, no, no, no, no!

[Chris, Drew and Julius and protect Tanya from Rochelle trying to force her to eat the sausage, with "Ma Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder playing in the background.]

[narrating] It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

View quote →

[narrating] All he had to do was see somebody do something and he could copy it. Today you call that a music producer.

View quote →

Chris, I was in the basement. I didn't see your bike.

[quickly makes up a lie] I put it under a sheet so it wouldn't get dirty.

[suspiciously] Not my good sheets?

[shakes his head] No, ma'am.

[narrating] If my parents found out about my bike, this was gonna be my last meal.

What'd you put in these eggs?

A little ham, cheddar cheese, seasoned salt, a touch of Basil, and just a, a little dash of hot sauce.

They taste a little funny.

Did you want something else?

I'll have some sausage.

Okay.

[takes a bite of sausage] Hmm. [Julius is quizzical] A little dry.

Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.

[shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.

Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard.

[narrating] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.

[Rochelle stares at Julius] What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle dryly smiles, stands up, and a warning message appears on screen]

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Well, ain't this about a bi--?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for [crash] one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! [crash; everyone ducks and moans] You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" a--! [another crash, everyone runs away, screaming; cut to Rochelle inside] Have you LOST your mind?! [She leaves the room]

[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

View quote →

[pretending to be tired] Hey, what are ya gon' make for dinner? [Rochelle stares at him.] Huh?

[A warning message appears on screen]

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? "Dinner"?! Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons?! Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off yo head!

View quote →

You would think a guy that gets his ass kicked every day wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.

View quote →

Chris, come straight home so you can go trick or treating with Drew and Tonya.

Damn!

View quote →

My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!

View quote →

We didn't know if it was his baby either, but trust me: Ain't no black man pickin' up a baby that ain't his.

View quote →