Ms. Morello quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Your Tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.

All men are created equal, especially if they're on CP Time.

[to Chris] After years of being alone and ostracized, you now have a soul brother! Somebody to talk jive with and to shoot dice with, to talk about being raised by MaDear with. Just seeing the two of you together would make your leaders like Dr. King and Uncle Remus proud.

[to Chris] You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Narrator

Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.

Chris

I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.

Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.

Chris

No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

Mrs. Milone

Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

Chris

A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.

Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Chris

Can I at least get French fries at lunch?

I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

They're all the same on the inside.

Narrator

Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris

They've always hated me.

True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator

And because I'm black.

All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

Narrator

And I'm gonna get sliced.

Narrator

After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.

You made it up?

Chris

Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.

Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?

Narrator

Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.

Lisa's right. This isn't good.

Chris

What's wrong with it?

Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?

Chris

I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.

Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!

Narrator

Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!

Narrator

Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?

Greg

[waking up] 1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

Chris

It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

Greg

I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

Narrator

She was Don Imus in a dress.

Narrator

After two years at Corleone, I'd gotten used to bein' the only black kid, but it had two major downsides. One downside was I was the only black kid, and the other was I was the only black kid.

Let's celebrate the day Chris' people finally realized they were emancipated! Happy Juneteenth, Chris! [blows a party horn in Chris' face]

Narrator

I thought things would never change, but then Albert arrived.

Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.

Narrator

More like Robert Parish when Dennis Johnson showed up.

Chris

Who's Larry Doby?

He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie... and more... strapping. His strong shoulders and Nubian profile, his Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin, and the way he swung his bat.

Narrator

Forget jungle fever, she's havin' a jungle seizure!

Who would possess the vulgar cultural background and raw, angry street talent to do something like this?

Narrator

I'll give you one guess, and it starts with Albert.