Julius Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Julius

[to Rochelle] You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars!

Julius

[to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

Julius

Unless you show up wearin' makeup, heels, and a dress, nobody's gonna think you're androgynous.

Julius

We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

Chris Rock

[narrating] One time I just got ice.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My dad always checked on us in between jobs: His night job, and his late-at-night job.

Chris

Dad?

Julius

Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.

Chris

I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.

Julius

That was 89¢ worth of chicken. What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?

Chris

I was still hungry.

Julius

Now I'm still hungry. [sits on Chris' bed] Look. Next time, eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?

Chris

Okay.

Julius

[pulls out cash] Here. [pulls cash from Chris before his can get it] Now, don't go pullin' this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. [gives cash to Chris] Don't tell you mother about this. Everything okay at school?

Chris Rock

[narrating] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights Era. After hoses, tanks, and a dog bites on your ass, somehow, Joey Caruso didn't compare.

Chris

Yep, it was alright.

Julius

Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." I was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning." meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."

Julius

Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

Rochelle

[offscreen; angrily] What the Hell happened to my towel?! [Chris' eyes widen in shock, as if thinking "I'm busted!", as the screen freeze-frames and fades to black, ending the episode as "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang plays in the background]

Rochelle

Baby, just try it, okay?

But I don't like it.

Rochelle

You're going to eat this sausage, do you hear me?! Girl, do you think I'm playin' with you?!

Julius

Oh, no! No! Rochelle! No! Rochelle! Rochelle, no, no, no, no!

Chris Rock

[narrating] It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

Julius

Chris, I was in the basement. I didn't see your bike.

Chris

[quickly makes up a lie] I put it under a sheet so it wouldn't get dirty.

Rochelle

[suspiciously] Not my good sheets?

Chris

[shakes his head] No, ma'am.

Chris Rock

[narrating] If my parents found out about my bike, this was gonna be my last meal.

Rochelle

What'd you put in these eggs?

Julius

A little ham, cheddar cheese, seasoned salt, a touch of Basil, and just a, a little dash of hot sauce.

Rochelle

They taste a little funny.

Julius

Did you want something else?

Rochelle

I'll have some sausage.

Julius

Okay.

Rochelle

[takes a bite of sausage] Hmm. [Julius is quizzical] A little dry.

Julius

Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.

Rochelle

[shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.

Julius

Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.

Julius

[Rochelle stares at Julius] What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle dryly smiles, stands up, and a warning message appears on screen]

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Well, ain't this about a bi--?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for [crash] one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! [crash; everyone ducks and moans] You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" a--! [another crash, everyone runs away, screaming; cut to Rochelle inside] Have you LOST your mind?! [She leaves the room]

Chris Rock

[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

Julius

[pretending to be tired] Hey, what are ya gon' make for dinner? [Rochelle stares at him.] Huh?

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? "Dinner"?! Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons?! Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off yo head!

Narrator

It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

Rochelle

Here's your chicken!

Julius

And you better not get me dessert!

Rochelle

I get you what I want!

Narrator

From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.

Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!

It's a boy!

Julius

I found a dollar!

Narrator

That's not even my mother!

Narrator

My dad liked game shows.

Julius

C'mon, sista. You can do it.

Narrator

And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.

What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!

Julius

$430.

I want the first bid from Bennette.

$400.

Julius

That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.

$625.

Julius

Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.

$580.

Julius

What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?

Narrator

My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.

Rochelle

How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.

Julius

That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle

So who put this pot on the stove?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

Rochelle

Who tore up my back seat?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Julius

Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Rochelle

Who spilt this oatmeal?

Wasn't me.

Narrator

Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]

Chris

[to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?

Narrator

I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:

Chris

Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]

Julius

I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

Greg

You're definitely not in there.

Tonya

Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Drew

Hey Chris, can I have your comic books?

Julius

That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Caruso

Rest in peace, Toby.

Julius

What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?

Narrator

When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.

Julius

What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?

Narrator

Ain't she a woman?

Julius

They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?

Narrator

To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.