Vanessa quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Vanessa

Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.

Vanessa

Turns out he had a whole other family.

Narrator

That's all my mother needed to hear.

Julius

Hey baby.

Hey baby.

Hello Father.

How was work today?

Julius

Good.

May I be excused?

Julius

No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.

Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.

Julius

Oh. That's good, that's good.

Vanessa

[about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.

Narrator

Everything means nothing but dinner.

Vanessa

Did you hear about Doc?

Rochelle

No. What happened?

Vanessa

He won $300 on the basketball game last night.

Rochelle

Gambling? I hate gambling.

Narrator

My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...

C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!

Doggone it!

Narrator

He'd gamble on races.

Doggone it!

Narrator

He'd even bet on the weather.

I got $10 on sunny and 79!

Doggone it!

Narrator

In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.

Jerome

If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.

Vanessa

You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Kill Moves

Revenge? Success, the best revenge.

Rochelle

Girl, I am so excited! So, what styles do you have in mind?

Vanessa

Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.

Vanessa

Hey, slick, if you wasn't a psychotic, homeless bum, I'd go out with you.

Kill Moves

Get in line, sister. Get in line.

Narrator

After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.

Vanessa

You're done.

Kill Moves

Ooh-ee! I look like a young Cleavon Little.

Narrator

More like an old Clifton Davis.

Drew

Maybe we can bring somebody.

Rochelle

Wait a minute. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring somebody.

Narrator

We thought about bringin' Vanessa.

Vanessa

I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? [to a waiter] You got any chimichangas?

Narrator

We thought about Jerome.

Jerome

Excuse me, garçon, can we get some more silverware?

I just put some out.

Jerome

I don't know what happened to it. [it is then revealed that he stole some silverware]

Narrator

We even thought about Mr. Omar.

Rochelle

Oh, my God! He's chokin'! Help him!

Mr. Omar

Hold on! There's nothing we can do.

But he's still choking! [her husband dies]

Mr. Omar

Not anymore. Tragic!

Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl! You think I don't know I got a mole?!

Narrator

Holy moly!

I know I got a mole!

Narrator

Does your mole know about your mustache?

Vanessa

Wha-? Gloria, wait a minute!

Vanessa

[stares at Tonya for a moment] Tonya?

Tonya

What?...

Narrator

While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.

Vanessa

You gotta fire Tonya.

Rochelle

Vanessa, let me talk to her first!

Vanessa

Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator

Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Vanessa

She broke up 2 marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle and she told Gloria 'bout her mole.

Rochelle

She told Gloria about her mole?...

Narrator

Oh lord, not the mole!

Vanessa

Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

Rochelle

She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

Vanessa

She didn't have to.

Rochelle

Oh...well Vanessa...!

Vanessa

[mocking voice] Rochelle! Either you fire her, or I'm gonna have to fire you.

Narrator

While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.

Risky

Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Julius

Regular or premium?

Risky

Premium!

Julius

[giving Risky some money] Here you go.

Risky

My man! [walks off]

Vanessa

I need to get my hairdryer fixed.

Julius

Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]

Vanessa

Ooh! [walks off]

Monk

I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Julius

Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

Monk

Anti-tank, of course.

Julius

[giving Monk some money] Here you go.

Monk

Thank you. [walks off]

Jerome

Can you lemme hold some bail money?

Julius

And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]

C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]

Jerome

I didn't do nothin'.

Vanessa

I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.

Narrator

And ended up goin' home with Bernard King.

Vanessa

Every time the Jets win, I use my green toothbrush.

Narrator

Four outta five dentists think she's crazy.

Vanessa

[explaining her date with Kill Moves] We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waitin' for me.

Narrator

You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessa'sbigdatewithkillmoves.tv.