Drew Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Drew

Hello. Is this Mr. Freely? Mr. I.P. Freely?

Tonya

[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle

The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.

Narrator

Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...

Drew

Cookie?

Narrator

That's right, cookie. Not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.

Rochelle

So who put this pot on the stove?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

Rochelle

Who tore up my back seat?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Julius

Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Rochelle

Who spilt this oatmeal?

Wasn't me.

Narrator

Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]

Narrator

Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

Rochelle

Tonya, what happened?

Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle

No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator

And worse than this...

Rochelle

Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

[dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle

I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Greg

You're definitely not in there.

Tonya

Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Drew

Hey Chris, can I have your comic books?

Julius

That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Caruso

Rest in peace, Toby.

Julius

Let me in.

Rochelle

No. You smell.

Julius

That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle

No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius

Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle

No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator

[in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius

What you want me to do?

Rochelle

Quit!

Julius

I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius

What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew

We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya

Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

Julius

What's this?

Rochelle

Clean clothes.

Julius

Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle

I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

Chris

So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?

You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?

Chris

Uh, no.

That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

Drew

You're the coolest big brother out of all my friends.

Narrator

My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

Tonya

Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle

What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

Drew

Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle

What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

Chris

Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle

What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator

It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

Julius

I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Tonya

Momma, I have rabies!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew

Momma, my eye fell out!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

We just won a trip to Miami!

Rochelle

Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Chris

Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Rochelle

Damn.

Drew

So, do you miss Keisha?

Narrator

You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?

Chris

Yeah, sort of.

Julius

You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator

My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris

Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius

You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya

Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius

You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew

Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius

You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Drew

Hey, Dad. Can we take a break?

Julius

Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?

Narrator

He took a break from eatin'!

Narrator

As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius

Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator

That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator

Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew

If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator

Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya

(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle

(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)

Tonya

Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew

Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle

No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.