Tonya Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Tonya

[to a blond woman] Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?

Tonya

Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!

Tonya

[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle

The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.

Narrator

Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...

Drew

Cookie?

Narrator

That's right, cookie. Not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.

Tonya

I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Narrator

When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.

Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]

Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!

Narrator

Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.

Tonya

Momma, can we have our candy back?

Rochelle

No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator

But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

Narrator

Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

Rochelle

Tonya, what happened?

Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle

No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator

And worse than this...

Rochelle

Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

[dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle

I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Greg

You're definitely not in there.

Tonya

Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Drew

Hey Chris, can I have your comic books?

Julius

That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Caruso

Rest in peace, Toby.

Julius

Let me in.

Rochelle

No. You smell.

Julius

That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle

No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius

Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle

No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator

[in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius

What you want me to do?

Rochelle

Quit!

Julius

I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius

What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew

We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya

Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

Julius

What's this?

Rochelle

Clean clothes.

Julius

Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle

I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

Narrator

My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

Tonya

Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle

What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

Drew

Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle

What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

Chris

Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle

What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator

It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

Julius

I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Tonya

Momma, I have rabies!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew

Momma, my eye fell out!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

We just won a trip to Miami!

Rochelle

Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Chris

Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Rochelle

Damn.

Narrator

My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.

Julius

I'm really disappointed in you.

Tonya

Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]

Julius

Tonya, no!

Tonya

Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

Rochelle

Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya

You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle

I won't yell.

Tonya

I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle

DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya

You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator

I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle

Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Narrator

Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from 5.

Rochelle

5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Imma let you're father handle this.

Julius

You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator

My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris

Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius

You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya

Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius

You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew

Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius

You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator

As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius

Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator

That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator

Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew

If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator

Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya

(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle

(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)