Jerome quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Jerome

Little dude from across the street's friend who lives across town!

Jerome

[about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator

That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

Monk

Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.

Jerome

Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.

Mr. Omar

Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!

Risky

Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Kill Moves

Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?

Narrator

While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris

So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator

I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris

And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator

And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris

So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome

Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Chris

No.

Narrator

Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!

Narrator

In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.

Jerome

If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.

Vanessa

You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Kill Moves

Revenge? Success, the best revenge.

Jerome

Put the tape on, little dude.

Narrator

Get outta here, big dude.

Drew

Maybe we can bring somebody.

Rochelle

Wait a minute. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring somebody.

Narrator

We thought about bringin' Vanessa.

Vanessa

I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? [to a waiter] You got any chimichangas?

Narrator

We thought about Jerome.

Jerome

Excuse me, garçon, can we get some more silverware?

I just put some out.

Jerome

I don't know what happened to it. [it is then revealed that he stole some silverware]

Narrator

We even thought about Mr. Omar.

Rochelle

Oh, my God! He's chokin'! Help him!

Mr. Omar

Hold on! There's nothing we can do.

But he's still choking! [her husband dies]

Mr. Omar

Not anymore. Tragic!

Narrator

I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.

Jerome

Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

Shut up, idiot.

Jerome

I wasn't even talkin' to her.

Narrator

While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.

Risky

Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Julius

Regular or premium?

Risky

Premium!

Julius

[giving Risky some money] Here you go.

Risky

My man! [walks off]

Vanessa

I need to get my hairdryer fixed.

Julius

Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]

Vanessa

Ooh! [walks off]

Monk

I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Julius

Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

Monk

Anti-tank, of course.

Julius

[giving Monk some money] Here you go.

Monk

Thank you. [walks off]

Jerome

Can you lemme hold some bail money?

Julius

And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]

C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]

Jerome

I didn't do nothin'.

Jerome

Hey, little dude out on a date, lemme hold your money! [Chris runs off]

Chris, wait!

Narrator

No!

Julius

Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?

Jerome

This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.

Chris

You live across the street.

Jerome

Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.