Joey Caruso quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Caruso

[to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.

Caruso

Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.

Caruso

[to Chris and Greg] If it isn't Bosco and Milk.

Greg

You're definitely not in there.

Tonya

Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Drew

Hey Chris, can I have your comic books?

Julius

That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Caruso

Rest in peace, Toby.

Caruso

Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]

Narrator

The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Caruso

Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.

Chris

Yeah? So?

Caruso

I got a movie for you: a comedy. [hands Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover]

Chris

"Birth of A Nation"?

Caruso

It's hilarious. You'll love it!

Principal Edwards

You were fighting. Why?

Chris

'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!

Caruso

That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

Principal Edwards

"Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.

Caruso

See?

Chris

Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!

Principal Edwards

As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.

Narrator

I thought about living in Japan.

Caruso

Arigato, Slappy.

Narrator

In London...

Caruso

Cheerio, Nipsy.

Narrator

Morocco...

Caruso

Asalamalakem, Flip.

Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

Caruso

More like Mr. Tibbs.

This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Chris

Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Caruso

Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

Chris

Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

Caruso

What are you doing?

Narrator

Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

Narrator

I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.

Caruso

Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?

Why don't you ask your mother?

Narrator

Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national summer holiday.

Caruso

Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]

Narrator

[The Teacher gives to Caruso a report card] When he got a F on his paper.

Caruso

F. [punching Chris in the face]

Narrator

Ms. Morello was right. Hangin' out with Albert was cool, but I still felt bad about fightin' with Greg.

Caruso

There goes the neighborhood.

Hey, my dad's got an extra ticket to the Knicks game. He said I could bring somebody. You wanna go?

Chris

Are you kidding me? Heck yeah, I wanna go! Thanks, man.

Narrator

When it came to our friendship, we didn't see color.

Caruso

Hey Count Chocula. Hey Cap'n Crunch.

Narrator

Never woulda happened if I'd convinced Greg to wear blackface.