Monk Harris quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Monk

Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.

Jerome

Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.

Mr. Omar

Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!

Risky

Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Kill Moves

Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?

Monk

I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris

Why not?

Monk

Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quảng Ngãi Province.

Chris

Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator

Nope, Queens.

Monk

I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator

20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Monk

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Narrator

I thought that was meatloaf.

Monk

How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?

Narrator

Because I'm too busy cuttin' up boxes.

Monk

So, what made you think of this, anyway, Chris?

Chris

Well, I remembered that Jaws was a book before a movie, so I figured they made a movie out of The Invisible Man.

Kill Moves

I wish they'd start makin' movies into books. Popcorn gettin' expensive.

Narrator

While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.

Risky

Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Julius

Regular or premium?

Risky

Premium!

Julius

[giving Risky some money] Here you go.

Risky

My man! [walks off]

Vanessa

I need to get my hairdryer fixed.

Julius

Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]

Vanessa

Ooh! [walks off]

Monk

I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Julius

Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

Monk

Anti-tank, of course.

Julius

[giving Monk some money] Here you go.

Monk

Thank you. [walks off]

Jerome

Can you lemme hold some bail money?

Julius

And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]

C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]

Jerome

I didn't do nothin'.

Monk

I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.

Mr. Omar

That's a crock-pot and pens, man!

Monk

Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.

Mr. Omar

Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?