Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris Rock

[narrating] I felt better than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor.

Chris Rock

[narrating] At that moment, I discovered one of life's greatest secrets -- black guy, plus basketball, equals white girl.

Chris Rock

[narrating] All he had to do was see somebody do something and he could copy it. Today you call that a music producer.

Chris

[speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.

Chris

[speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

Chris

Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super-TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.

Chris

[to Malvo] Sir, you are smarter than a ninth-grader.

Chris

[to Greg] If you don't get your harmonica-playin', hole-in-the-sock-wearin', woe-is-me, I-should-have-everything-easy behind up, I'm gonna smack the crack outta you!

Chris Rock

[narrating] While havin' a sidekick was gettin' old, my mom was feelin' young.

Chris Rock

[narrating] Back at school, Greg was doin' more wardrobe changes than Beyoncé in concert.

Chris Rock

[narrating] The only thing scarier than a man almost dyin' was the man who had almost killed him.

Chris

Rice, rice, rice. Do you think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives till I can't gives no more.

Chris

[on the phone] Hello. I have planted a bomb at Tattaglia High. Unless everybody is out of that building in the next 40 minutes... everybody will be out of that building in the next 40 minutes.

Chris Rock

[narrating] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late-- I thought it was gonna be the bomb. Boy, was I wrong.

Rochelle

CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! [under her breath] Disgusting!

Julius

We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

Chris Rock

[narrating] One time I just got ice.