Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Judith

Herb and I are going to have a baby.

Berta

Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Alan

You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.

Berta

That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

Berta

She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?

Charlie

And a college education.

Berta

Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Jake

You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Berta

Is that so?

Jake

It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.

Melissa

I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.

Berta

I thought it was Alan's birthday.

Melissa

[To Berta, Evelyn and Charlie] You should be ashamed of yourselves. This (Alan) is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more, especially from his family. I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.

Berta

Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.

Charlie

Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?

Berta

It's called a colander. What do you need it for?

Charlie

It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.

Berta

OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Charlie

Oh, please don't leave!

Alan

Oh, please don't hang up!

I love you!

Berta

And I love you, too.

Chelsea

What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie

No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Chelsea

Charlie...

Charlie

Get a good earful?

Berta

No.

Jake

I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Alan

[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie

Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie

The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

Alan

That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie

Judges?

Berta

Still funny.

Alan

You are a lush!

Charlie

You are a leech!

Alan

You are a misogynist!

Charlie

You are a mistake!

Alan

You are a... What are we up to?

Charlie

N.

Alan

Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!

Charlie

She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Alan

Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie

Better. You are a nancy-boy.

Alan

You are old!

Charlie

You are oddly-shaped.

Alan

[Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie

You are a parasite.

Alan

Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Charlie

Quack, rectal, suckwad!

Alan

[To Charlie] I never got my "P".

Charlie

All you do is pee.

Alan

[To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie

Turd burglar!

Alan

[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie

Really? Why?

Alan

I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie

Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!

Alan

That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.

Charlie

I haven't been happy in seven years.

Alan

For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie

Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.

Alan

Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.

Charlie

Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!

Alan

God, you are such a... What are we up to?

Charlie

V.

Alan

Varmint! You are a varmint.

Charlie

Yeah, well, you are a vagina!

Alan

You're calling me a vagina?

Charlie

No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.

Berta

You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.

Charlie

What the hell were they doing in the mailbox?!

Berta

I dunno; but there's postage on 'em.

Charlie

Well I clearly had a plan at SOME point...

Walden

Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?

Berta

Herpes (Alan) has a kid.

Walden

Herpes Junior?

Alan

How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?

Berta

I thought it was a stress clinic.

Alan

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

[to Jenny] Mackenzie, you lying bitch!

Jenny

[running away] Uh-oh.

Congo, my ass! Don't run! You don't want to run!

Berta

Yeah, it feels like home again!