Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?
A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
He doesn't?
No, he doesn't.
Can't we ask him?
Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Oh, I hardly think so.
All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Does that make a difference?
It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!
Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.
Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.
Where are you going?
I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.