Two and a Half Men · Season 5, Episode 1
Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
[at the shoe store]
How do they feel?
OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Ah, he's smarter than that.
Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
And-And what about you?
What about me?
You're afraid of everything.
Like what?
Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.
Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.
Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.
Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders.
Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.
We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
