Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.

Alan

I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.

Charlie

Have you even tried?

Alan

It's just for a couple of days.

Charlie

Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!

Alan

What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?

Charlie

Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!

Alan

Charlie, I can't do that to her.

Charlie

Again, have you even tried?

Jake

This is really weird.

Alan

Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.

Jake

I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.

Charlie

Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Charlie

Well, what if you were dating?

Alan

But I'm not.

Charlie

But what if it looked like you were dating?

Alan

Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.

Charlie

OK, forget it.

Alan

She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.

Charlie

Anything else?

Alan

Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.

Charlie

You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

Alan

Lewis and Clark explored what?

Charlie

[buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.

Alan

Right.

Jake

I knew that.

Alan

Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

Charlie

And I'm still buzzed.

Jake

OK, give me another question.

Alan

All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?

Jake

Alaska.

Alan

Ah, very good!

Charlie

Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Jake

[About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.

Evelyn

You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.

Alan

Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!

Evelyn

Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Alan

What's taking you so long?

Jake

I can't find my other shoe!

Alan

So then put on a different pair.

Jake

But this one's on already!

Alan

You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?

Charlie

OK.

Alan

You're not moving.

Charlie

Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.

Alan

GET UP!

Alan

You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!

Charlie

Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.

Alan

Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?

Charlie

Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".

Charlie

Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!

Alan

Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

Charlie

I need someone who can give me drugs!

Berta

I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.

Alan

Drugs just mask the problem.

Charlie

Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

Alan

If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.

Charlie

Well, I don't agree.

Alan

It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!

Charlie

Oh, I agree with gravity.

Alan

Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Charlie

So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?

Alan

It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

Oh, are you a doctor?

Alan

Yes, I'm a chiropractor.

So, no.

Jake

Dad?

Alan

Yeah?

Jake

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]

Charlie

Well, Alan, do you?

Alan

Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?

Jake

Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?

Alan

Right.

Jake

And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.