Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?

Charlie

Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!

Alan

I have a loose tooth.

Charlie

Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!

Alan

That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.

Charlie

I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Alan

Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?

Charlie

Coffee and breast milk.

Alan

What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

Berta

Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?

Jake

Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.

Berta

The quiet ones are always the freaks.

Alan

Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent

Jake

But you admit, she was naked.

Alan

Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?

Jake

Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.

Alan

Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?

Jake

Dunno.

Alan

Did you show this to your mother?

Jake

No.

Alan

Why not?

Jake

Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

Alan

Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?

Jake

Just making notes.

Alan

Good for you! What do you have so far?

Jake

Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.

Alan

Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?

Jake

Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?

Alan

Ferrets?

Rose

Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.

Alan

No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?

Rose

Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Charlie

D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?

Jake

That was fifty pages!

Charlie

Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.

Alan

Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?

Jake

No, I'm lazy.

Alan

Are you still reading that thing?

Charlie

How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Charlie

OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?

Alan

You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.

Charlie

Well, how do I find out who created it?

Alan

Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.

Charlie

That's no help.

Alan

Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Alan

What are you doing? Give me that!

Berta

I'm sorry, it was just laying there.

Alan

That's private.

Berta

OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.

Alan

Yeah, what's that?

Berta

If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.

Alan

You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.

Charlie

OK!

Alan

And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!

Charlie

Got it.

Alan

Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.

Charlie

Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?

Alan

You're disgusting.

Charlie

Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

Jake

What was going on with your hair?

It's called a Jheri curl.

Alan

It was my Michael Jackson period.

Jake

Who's the tall guy next to you?

Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

Alan

I thought you were going to be busy today.

Charlie

I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"

Charlie

To the batcave, Alfred

Alan

Go to hell.

Charlie

OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.

This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

Charlie

You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.

Alan

But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.

Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!

Alan

You knew your shirt was open?

WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Alan

Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.

Charlie

What earthquake?

Alan

'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?

Charlie

Oh.

Alan

Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?

Charlie

No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.